Friday, 25 March 2011

alone again,naturally.

Those of my readers on Facebook may have noticed my relationship status has changed to single. again. i deliberately removed the notification off news feed,also off Myras. but i posted a comment,and a few put 2 and 2 together. and many thanks for all the nice messages of support i what happened several have asked?well,its just the culmination of several things really,nobody to blame. i am a carer,and i just don't get the time to give,3 hours a week is not enough for any relationship,however often you phone each other,and we both have been hurt badly in the past.MS has played a part as well,the reason for that i will keep private.Myra is a lovely,wonderful lady,and i wish her well. and i really mean that.yes i was upset,yes i was hurt and angry, but as someone once said,never cry over that which once gave you joy. for the last 11 months myra has been part of my life. (and thankyou for that. i shall never forget you.xx) we will see each other sometimes,perhaps,i hope we remain friends. but i do
want to wish her every happiness. i will write more of what MS can ruin in a relationship some other time. not that that was the main reason we parted.
Ok,so that is the sad news,on a more positive note the beta blockers appear to be keeping the angina in check.which is good news.i am still waiting to see E.N.T about voice,and the O.T. has got me a new shower handle fitted,a shower chair,and a new wheelchair is coming for mum.which will help to make life easier for both. thankyou for your kind comments about my post on OCD,alli was so touched.she told me it made so much difference knowing other people understand just what she is going through.
spring hopefully is on the way,a few nice warmish,sunnny days have helped. the daffodils are in full bloom,snowdrops are finished as are crocus.and of course,........THE DUCKS ARE yes,they are swimming away on the pond again. making a mess,pulling the weed about,but who cares?it means the awful cold of winter will soon be a memory. take care all.

Tuesday, 15 March 2011

OCD.thankyou Alli

I'm twenty years of age,

Used to think I'd be somewhere by this stage,

But I have a mental illness called, OCD,

And it's taken a big part of my life from me

I've buried my ambitions deep in my soul,

So many may think that my life has no goal,

But I know if I pursued them I'd only find,

That OCD would take over and consume my mind,

In a survey, my full time occupation would be,

Struggling through each day, only focussing on me,

Inviting me out is something you shouldn't do,

Because the outcome will be a disappointment for you

To be more precise, and to show that I care,

I'll tell you what happens when the outing day's here,

I spend hours getting ready, but when I do something wrong,

It must be re-done 'til my anxiety has gone

What could you do so wrong? You might ask,

Well just brushing my hair can be an hour long task,

Because my every movement is controlled by "The Voice",

It shows me no mercy, no reasoning, nor choice

I've become mistrusting of others, so when they are kind,

I feel a hidden agenda must be in mind,

Who would take any interest in me?

I don't deserve it, I'm unworthy

I've taken to chatting to old friends online,

Jealousy consumes me their lives are not mine,

Pursuing their dreams, countless nights out of fun,

Then there's me, who for months cannot think of one

For the truth is I live like a prisoner in my home,

Then only I can judge me if I'm all alone,

I feel I've failed life, so deserve this fate,

I'm on the road to recovery, but a cure I await.

I want to be honest, to tell everyone I'm ill,

But what would they think of me? What would they feel?

"Sorry to hear that". You'll be better soon".

Might be their kind words, but would they think "What a loon".?

But I wouldn't blame them if they didn't understand,

For I was the same before life dealt me this hand,

I'm ashamed and embarrassed by what I've become,

A fully grown woman that depends on her Mum

I've lost my independence, I rely on others to guide me,

For a small task for you, I feel self accomplishment can never be,

My feelings are anger, guilt and despair,

For taking others time, but still getting nowhere

So now when you look at me, what do you see?

A strange, quiet girl, hiding from society?

Well if you do, then you are wrong,

I'm battling a mental illness, but one day I'll be strong

That was written by someone who knows what it is to be in the grip of OCD,obsessive-compulsive disorder. imagine having to do,and redo,the same task,over and over again,because it just isnt "right".imagine washing your hands,over,and over,and over.until they are red raw and bleeding.imagine cleaning your house from top to bottom,every single day,and sometimes,2,3,times a day if some unsuspecting visitor has sat on a chair you just cleaned.imagine.
Now,imagine a pretty young lady,late teens,early 20s,going out for the night.and having to take as long as 6 hours to do it.well,that is the reality that Alli has to face,each time she wants to go somewhere.Her and so many lovely friend Debs,all those years ago,i went to see her one day,and she was at the sink,washing her hands,she had been bleaching the worktops.with no gloves.and her hands were bleeding.and she would do that up to 5 times a day.
Alli is slowly improving,as she says,she can have some control over how she does things now,she posted the poem today on Facebook,i saw it,i cried. and i am asking you,my readers,if you could copy that poem,and perhaps post it on your blog,Facebook,whatever social networking site you use,whatever you can do.please give credit to alli and mention her deserves to be read by a far wider audience than just her friend list.will you do that if you can please???
Why am I posting it on my blog?? because there is a stigma attached to OCD,it is badly misunderstood,people think it is all "in the mind" that the sufferer is not trying,that he or she should "pull themselves together,snap out of it",that they cannot be right in the head.(my personal all time favourite,that one,very caring that is ).and because i also have it.oh,not bad.nowhere as bad as Alli.i can manage to keep it under control,and it is mainly having to do things in a certain order,etc.i can manage to break the cycle.but i KNOW what Alli goes through.and Debs,and so many MS it is not understood,people think just because we look ok we are ok.ask Alli if she FEELS ok.or me.and then give thanks to whatever greater being you believe in,that YOU don't have it.or your son,daughter,whoever.
I believe it took a lot of courage for Alli to post that today on her home page on took guts.and she deserves our,YOUR,admiration and respect. and maybe,just maybe,it can help someone else out there in what i still call Jland.thankyou for reading,thankyou if you repost.take care all.mort. with many grateful thanks to Alli Firmage,and to all those who suffer from OCD.

life goes on.

i am so sorry i haven't been on here lately,not even been reading my beloved lucys blog,and i apologise. lot been going on in my life.i was rushed into hospital a few weeks ago,i had been feeling very ill the night before,an angina attack,but it was odd as i had been taking it easy that day.(honestly,lol) the next morning i still had bad pains in my arms so rang Drs.they asked me to go up and see the nurse for an ECG,i got there at 8.30.sat there feeling ill,and got called in.she asked me to lie on bed,connected me up,gave me ECG,looked at printout,smiled at me,said wont be a second morton,just take this to Dr.M,came back 5 minutes later,and said...............ambulance is on its way mate,lie there still please.omg.i shall cut a lot out as it will take too long to write,but i had to ring myra,mum,and then was taken to hospital. shame the damn ambulance was faulty,over 3000 RPM it shook,lol.the attendant told me it was fine night before,they got the call from surgery about me,hit the road,the lady friver put her foot down,and he got shook out of his was pretty sure i wasnt having an attack,his ECG was ok,so we took it easy.even so it was...........interesting.taken into A and E,ECG,blood tests,anti clotting drug into tummy,xrays etc.and it was decided my angina has gone from a stable angina,to unstable,meaning anything can trigger it. long and short of it is,i am now on a beta blocker a day,and angina meds been increased to 1 full tablet from a half.and i feel much better. thankyou myra for ringing mum,and making sure brian was there with her,also for going to hospital and picking me up.i got home at 8pm.she took me to the surgery so i could get my car.alls well,etc.
i have seen the MS consultant also since i last posted.occupational therapist has been and i have had a new shower seat brought,rails added,etc.just one worrying thing,he did say my weak voice may not be all due to MS,and has written to ear nose and throat to get me checked over.apart from that,yes i am worse,weaker on left side,usual happy worry.
mum has not been too good,gets very forgetful and vague,i heard her one night out of bed,she was looking for something in bedroom,but she had no idea what it was she was looking for. and i cant write any more about that. it is too painful.
i am going to post again tomorrow or weekend,a poem i read on a young ladies facebook site.and i need your help. because i want you,faithful readers,to copy that poem,paste it on your blog.and post it too. you will all see why. it needs so much more recgonition than just my blog. it is on OCD.AND IT MADE ME CRY.and it is beautifully written from the heart.i shall post shortly,thankyou all for being there for me,take care all,mort