HAPPY NEW YEAR.

WISHING ALL MY FRIENDS A VERY HAPPY 2012.hope it is a good year for us all.for those of us in pain,saddened by loss,burdened by debt and cares, i wish us all some respite,and to find those "shiny" moments in every day.

It hasn't been a good year for me,2011 was the year i lost someone i had grown to love very much,mums health has continued to cause concern,her memory loss is much worse now.i had the worry of having to go into hospital about throat,thankfully all was ok. the MS continues to gallop away from me sometimes. as i type this i have no feeling in my hands at all,my concentration is limited. and i get frustrated because sometimes i cannot remember what i wanted to say.

but there were the good things too.old friends came back into my life. and i still have you,loyal readers.( sorry stephen king lol) and i will try and post more regularly.at least this winter has been mild,unlike last years.

and as 2012 is but a few minutes away,at least here in the UK,i wish you all a peaceful,and happy new year. thankyou for being my friends,take care,mort xxx

HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL MY FRIENDS

I WISH ALL MY FRIENDS ON HERE A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS,AND A HAPPY 2012.
Sorry i haven't been on here lately,again i got locked out.blogspot seems to do this every time i have to run a virus scan. takes me ages to get on here then.sorry Lucy,i will catch up soon,hope you are ok.and my other friends too.
As for me?MS is bad.pain,also angina not good.kept in check by tablets though so far.my ankle was xrayed,it is NOT arthritis,its the long tendon under foot.torn most probably.i have inserts in bottom of shoes,and they are helping.the ankle is so sore because i am walking to compensate for the pain of the torn ligament which is causing problems in the ankle. hopefully it will heal,i do exercises,if it cant heal,then an operation can be done.
mum?not too good,forgets so much now,but is happy,loved,cared for.and yes,it is hard on me.but then it is for every carer.
2011 was not a good year for me.i lost someone i loved deeply.it still hurts.but i moved on,as we have to.i give thanks to all my friends for their part in this.
my group on facebook seems to be a success,and i am glad people find it helps.and so,as i write this it is Christmas day.
I WISH THOSE IN PAIN,SORROW,WORRY,FINANCIAL DISTRESS,WHATEVER,THAT WE MAY ALL FIND A "SHINY"MOMENT IN EVERY DAY,AND IN EVERYTHING WE DO.
thankyou all for following,and being my friend.take care all.Mort xxxx

LEST WE FORGET

ON THE ELEVENTH HOUR,OF THE ELEVENTH DAY,OF THE ELEVENTH MONTH 1918 ENDED THE WAR TO END ALL WARS.as we all are so aware it did not end wars,just that awful conflict.this year,more than ever,on 11.11.11.11.we must remember their sacrifices made.
All those war memorials,in every town,village,and city in this country,and so many more,all those names of ( in so many cases) young men,hardly more than boys,all that pain,suffering,bloodshed. WE WILL REMEMBER THEM.

THIS YEAR,MORE THAN EVER,LET PEACE PREVAIL,LET THE KILLING STOP.LET OUR TROOPS COME HOME FROM OH SO MANY CONFLICTS.

WEAR YOUR POPPY WITH PRIDE. take care all.

the waiting game.again.

well,first i must thank everyone on call for support on Facebook,and on my home page for all the lovely comments i have had.it is appreciated.


now,i went on the 1st to have a preop assessment.had to be there at 9.00 am.ok,it was on a thursday,tracey comes to mum mid morning,knew all about it so didnt bother swapping day over.night before her firm rang to say she would be later.she was.i was home first. so mum had to be on her own,someone did come in and see her,a friend rang,so she was ok.but its typical,you think all is ok,and something goes wrong.worse was to come. i left early,7.30,it takes around an hour to get there.as it was traffic was light and i parked at 8.30.rang mum to make sure she was ok,got parking ticket validated,i get free parking,blue badge.and went into reception,handed the girl on desk my letter,she typed into computer,looked at letter,looked at me,and you just KNOW whats coming."can you take a seat please sir". sure enough 5 minutes later another lady came up,mr lake,im sorry.your pre-op has been cancelled.WHAT?????but the op is still going ahead,so,you MUST have a pre-op.sister has got you in at 9.45. it appears a manager,and she held her hands up and said sorry,made a mistake and cancelled mine instead of another patients.anyway,i eventually got seen to,very efficient sister,took my bloods,ecg,did the lot herself.and i was home by 12.20.( no comments about speed limits please.i kept strictly to them.possibly not in the right order mind,lol) mum was fine.and that was the pre-op.
i went in the next friday,my mate took me in.had to be there at 11,and i reported to same day procedure ward at 10.20. and waited. i was told i was second on list for afternoon surgery,so was glad to be called at 2,told to change into very sexy surgical stockings and gown, and waited.and waited.and...........it was 4.20 when i went and asked the nurse how long it was going to be,that i was going home that night,that my mum had nobody to look after her after 7,etc.anyway,they came and got me soon after.bit of argument with anaesthatist who loftily told me i MAY be able to go home after. i politley,but OH so firmly explained i WOULD be going home.no buts.i was going.she got me to agree that my mate was stopping over in case of emergency. coughs politely,lol.i was out in seconds,next thing i knew i was awake with oxygen mask over face.all done. onto ward. given glass of ice cold water,drank that ok.would i like a cup of tea and sandwich asked nurse??i think my face said it all lol. best cuppa ever.hot.and a decent ham sandwich.just had my second bite,( think starving baracuda attacking its prey,lol) when the surgeon came in. oh he said,i see you can eat and drink ok,lol. told me he was pleased,that he had only taken biopsy from the soft tissue that is swollen as voice box,larynx,oesophagus,all ok.and i should hear from them with an appointment in 3 to 4 weeks.i was allowed out at 8,mate came and got me.and the first thing we did?McDONALDS.lol.big mac meal,large.vanilla milk shake and apple pie later,and 1 pie for mum to take home i felt human lol.mate is on a diet so only had diet coke.never has a big mac tasted so good.and i couldnt care less what crap is written about McDonalds,i really couldnt care less whats in their milk shakes to thicken them,or how many trees it takes to..............you get my point?????? it was bloody DELICIOUS.and so home we went. got home at 9.40,rosie had called round,thankyou to her,to carol,to pam,who had been with mum all morning,and brian for getting her tea. she was pleased i was home,ate her apple pie,which she loves,lol. mate had a coffee and went home.and i went to bed around midnight. sore throat but ok. i was sore for a week,throat and chest very painful.as i have acid reflux,as i am going under the anaesthetic,they press down hard onto chest and abdomen to stop the acid coming into gullet.and of course it gets bruised.
and so i am still waiting to hear.i shall tell you all when i know.
finally,on Facebook i have started a new group. its called we care,we share.it is for sufferers of MS,ME,FM,arthritis,back pain,in fact ANY pain. by sharing our pain and stories perhaps we can help others cope with their pain.anybody interested in joining please let me know.and thanks to the 28 members i have so far.and to Guido for his input. and astra.my admin.who does strange archaic gestures at my posts and turns them into DOCS.lol.i apologise to 2 friends on facebook i added to group,i thought i was inviting them,turned out i added.facebook does like to change things.sorry.and we got it sorted. hope you are all well,or as well as we can be,take care all.

WE NEVER FORGET THEIR LOSS.IN REMEMBRANCE OF 9/11

10 YEARS AGO,ON THE 11TH SEPTEMBER,2001 AN ATROCITY WAS COMMITTED THAT WAS SO AWFUL IT IS JUST KNOWN BY A DATE.9/11.MANY OF MY FELLOW BLOGGERS WILL BE DOING THEIR OWN REMBRANCE POSTS I KNOW.ALL I AM GOING TO SAY IS THIS.WE WILL NEVER FORGET THEIR LOSS.NOT OVER HERE IN THE UK,IT IS IN EVERY ONE OF OUR PAPERS TODAY.WE WILL NEVER FORGET ALL THE DEATHS CAUSED BY EVIL PEOPLE.AND WE STILL MOURN THEIR LOSS.AND WE STAND WITH THE PEOPLE OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA IN SILENCE.AND WE REMEMBER.
GOD BLESS AMERICA.THE PEOPLE OF GREAT BRITAIN MOURN WITH YOU,AND WE PRAY THAT ONE DAY THE KILLINGS WILL STOP,
Take care all,i have news of my recent biopsy,pretty good,but wanted to share this post first. because its a day that MUST be remembered,mort

thankyou

I am deeply,deeply moved by all the lovely messages,and comments,on here,on facebook,on call for support.what can i say?thankyou seems so inadequate.but is all i can say.i have always tried to be there for anyone who needs a friendly ear,and i think anyone who knows me knows i will help in any way i can,if they are down,in trouble,hurting. its what i do.and now its my turn for pampering lol.thankyou everyone. it is appreciated so much.
One thing i didnt put,as i was walking from the Hospital car park for my appointment i had the most terrible pain i think i have ever known in my life strike in my right leg.it hurt.so much so that coming out after the car seemed miles away.anyway i made an appointment to see Dr.M this morning,A,to keep him informed what is happening,B,to find out what ive done to leg.i really thought i had pulled hamstring.instead it is phlebitis.i knew i had bad varicose veins just behind knee,and that is what is causing the pain.i am rubbing voltarol gel in 3 times a day.anyone got a cat that widdles a lot??because that would be as effective,lol. but the pain is not so bad today as it was,and it does feel a bit easier.i have not been able to get in touch with a social worker yet so have not been able to ssort out mums care when i go into hospital.hope i can early next week.

Now for something different. summer. can anyone tell me where it went??? i am so sure i read at the start of june that we were going to have a lovely hot summer.instead we have had rain,high winds that have ruined the flowers and runner beans,although i am getting reasonable crop from them,and cold.whatever the weather has been where you are i hope you have had a good summer,and once again,many thanks.take care all,mort

worrying times.

Well,as many of you will have seen on Facebook,and i must thank the many friends for their comments,emails and messages on there,I have more problems. first back,the scan results came back tuesday,the scan shows that my back is basically........well,not good,lol.but,it hasn't got any worse,so that is good,and i will not be having any operation in the forseeable future,just be sensible,and keep taking painkillers and exercise.the op.to fuse the vertebra is too dangerous to consider while i am able to move ok.thats the good news.




Now for the bit that has turned things upside down. Yesterday i went back to Norfolk and Norwich Hospital about my voice.appointment was 3.40,but it was 4.10 before i was called in.another Dr.saw me,asked how i was feeling,noted my voice seems stronger,then came the dreaded camera up nose bit.left nostril this time.and much longer examination.and i felt it scrape my throat,right at the back.then it was removed,and the Dr said,your throat,very swollen. now,i know its swollen.has been for ages,going right back when i had tonsil removed. but this time the Dr.seems concerned.felt all round glands at back and side of neck. then dropped the bombshell. " there may be something wrong mr.lake,i need to get you in so we can perform an exploratory operation,do a biopsy on the tissue.and further tissue may need to be removed." i just sat there. how soon? as soon as possible mr.lake. and,how long will i be in hospital?.well.perhaps just 1 day,maybe 2,3,or more,depending on what we find. the nurse prepared consent forms,and the Dr.wrote out a prescription for Gaviscon,as he wants me to take it every night before i go to bed.it is an antacid,he wanted me to go down to pharmacy and get it there,but after the last time i asked if it was ok if i get it today from my own surgery.and this i did.just wanted to come home. the nurse explained i would have to go for a pre-op assessment,and then the operation will be done as soon as possible.i explained im a 24/7 carer and i just cant come into hospital at 24 hours notice,i need at least 2 weeks warning. so i then went to reception and handed in a booking in form,and was told i am on the waiting list and will hear very soon, and came out. ok,i sneaked a look at that form.its suspected that i have a condition caused by acid reflux.i was checked several years ago as i have a hiatus hernia.when you are asleep acid from your stomach comes back up the oeophagus and causes burns on the lining,which is what causes the hiatus hernia. there is the chance that this can cause oral cancer in later years.and that little word was also mentioned on the booking in form. and is what the biopsy is for of course. i came home in a daze.told mum on phone i needed to go in for an op.and Carol kept with her til i got home.
i have got to get in touch with social workers,carers,etc. so much to sort.it maybe just the one day.please. so,that is my news. good wishes appreciated.prayers if you wish.whatever it is,i will deal as i always deal.one day at a time.as always i will keep you all informed.thanks for being there for me everyone.it is appreciated so much.
LASTLY,CAN I JUST CONDEMN THE AWFUL VIOLENCE,LOOTING,AND RIOTING THIS COUNTRY SAW EARLIER IN THE WEEK.MAY THOSE RESPONSIBLE BE BROUGHT TO JUSTICE SOON.and pray that peace will prevail once more.stay safe,take car all,mort

So,who DOES care???

As i wrote in my last post i had the camera up my nose to check vocal chords.and it bloody hurt.you talk about speedy gonzales,lol.it was shoved up before i could say,will it hu........yep.he looked,said oh. have you been on antibiotics lately??Yes says i.about 10 lots in the last year,keep getting chest infections,why?well,you have got mushrooms growing!!! hey??? thinking of pick your own,lol. apparently i have Thrush growing on my vocal chords.those damn antibiots kill all the good bacteria as well as the bad,result,fungal infection,AKA Thrush.so he said i will write a prescription,go to Pharmacy.now i know the pharmacy. you abandon all hope going there. sure enough it took 45 minutes before i had the tablets.guess?yep,more antibiotics to fight the infection caused by antibiotics. got to go back in 4 weeks time so he can check if it has cleared,and so he can see the vocal chords properly.i didnt get home til 6.my mate took me from his,but next time is later so i will drive myself.oh the joy.a sore nose and nothing to show for it.
Now,as well as MS many of you are aware i also suffer from back trouble,one disc was removed many years ago,and another has burst,thanks to the dear old lady on a mobility scooter who forced me to slip off the pavement kerb 2 years ago.now that disc is really giving me problems,so much so a few weeks ago i went and saw Dr.M,who took one look at me hobbling in with my walking stick,and said,back or MS?back i said.all i did was bend froward to get something out of a cupboard,didnt even go right down,just bent forward.and it went out.and for 3 weeks i was in agony,and nothing eases the pain.no ice,not heat,tablets,nothing helps.he examined me on the couch,said,mort,you really dont have reflexes.lol.i know thanks.and said he would order an MRI scan to be done.the last was 2 years ago.Then i was told i couldnt have an operation on the back due to heart,and being on blood thinners.those have now been finished with long ago,so he wants another scan done to see if an operation to fuse 5 vertebrae is possible,and if it is,will it help?also put me on some new tablets which i had to stop as they made me so sick.did warn me they may. he was right.big time.
So,last week i got a letter from Cromer Hospital,an MRI is being done this thursday evening at 5.50PM. strange time but they are so backlogged with scans they are scanning until 10 at night. Now,i used to go to Myras every week,so i know how long it takes to get there,and bearing in mind it is now holiday time and our roads are full,i knew it will take at least nearly 3 hours travel and scan time.a scan can take up to 45 minutes.so i rang Crossroads carers. carers for carers. Carol comes here every wednesday to allow me some time for myself,often i go to bed or go to mates.now,usually in the past,if i had hospital Sue would let me have my wednesday,by putting the appointment down as a "short break at short notice",ensuring i still got some time off.so,imagine my surprise when i rang them,i will ring you back the girl said,well we had to go out later that day,and we got home to find a message on the answer phone.hello morton,its crossroads,carol can do that thursday,BUT,i am afraid you cannot have the wednesday as well.sorry. best we can do.you are only allowed 3 hours a week now. i thought,well at least mum will have company at night while i am out,and i didnt mind too much.nothing planned for the wednesday.but i did feel a bit down,its nice to have that few hours "me"time.
Anyway,the next morning i rang them,and got Sue.i told her i was ringing to thank them for getting me cover at night,which i know is always difficult and that i was grateful carol was coming,mum likes her a lot.she said,mort,i so wanted to give you your wednesday as well.i just cant do it im sorry. there is no money available for short breaks at the moment.i asked well,what if i had 2 appointments in 1 week?as sue says,many carers can and do have just that problem. i am not the only carer in ill health.she said,if it is an emergency i will make sure you are looked after,but things are really bad.apparently the whole Swifts,night owls,and relief carer situation is under threat from under funding and the savage cuts that have been forced on the local council by the coalition government.and sue told me i may be better off seeing if i can switch to self funding.not going into all the ins and outs of that here.all i will say is that Sue was really upset she couldnt do more for me,but i was just grateful i had cover.she has always been so good to help in the past i am not complaining about her or her staff.they hate this situation.
BUT. as i said,i am not the only carer with ill health. there are many elderly carers,who are caring for middle aged handicapped children,or a senile partner,or even parents,as i care for mum.if the care provision is being cut,and we lose our relief carers,WHO WILL HELP US CARE??Daily it seems as though care home after care home is closing,respite care is being cut,funding is being lost every day. so,just WHO WILL CARE??? not this damn government,or councils.social services have lost huge ammounts off their budgets,money that should be there to help people who need 24 hour care is not available.some can call on other family members,i dont have that to fall back on,i cant rely,nor do i want to have to rely,on neighbours or friends to help me.so,if i did have to have an operation,let us say,on my back,just WHO is going to care for my mum??she gets confused and scared when she has strange carers as it is,if she does not know them she worries.what will happen to her if i cannot carry on??who will look after the many thousands of people just like her?WHO CARES???
THE CARE OF THE ELDERLY AND HANDICAPPED IN THIS COUNTRY IS NOW A DISGRACE.and it is one that is only going to get worse. so ask yourself this,in maybe 5 years time,if YOU or your loved ones need care,either in their own homes,or in a care home,just WHO will care for them?? I and thousands more like me save this country millions in care costs.but at the end of the day...................JUST WHO CARES????? take care all.

summ---er garden pics.if we get that summer.

FRONT BOARDER

FIRST YEAR FOR THESE CARNATIONS,GIVEN A LOVELY SHOW

BUSY LIZZIES AND PETUNIAS,WITH SOME TUBEROUS BGONIAS

AHEM. YES WELL,hangs head in shame,lol. it was cheap ok.very cheap.cost me £5,99,which is around 10 bucks for Lucy and jack,lol.its resin,sun dial as you can see,stands around 4 foot tall.the gnome is a solar light that comes on at night,£3 or 2 for a fiver.cant be bad.same with the ones you can see on the ground,theres 2 that look like rocks and 2 frogs,all 2 for £5.supermarkets are getting the place to go if you want cheap garden lighting.

i do have quite a nice show this year,the weather has been not too bad,dry,so i have had to water,a lot of wind,but not too vicious.

Tomorrow,wednesday i go to Norwich Hospital to Ear,Nose,and Throat for camera down throat.my MS consultant is not convinced my weak voice is all due to the MS so wants vocal chords checked to make sure there is nothing nasty on them.as the camera goes up nostril it is not a particularly pleasant procedure.my mate is going to take me from his,so i dont have to drive so far.I will let you all know the result as soon as i hear.in the meantime i hope summer finally makes its mind up and stays for us all.it is really cool tonight again,about time we got nice warm nights,not that many yet.take care all.

FORGOT THESE ONES,MY PURPLE CLEMATIS,USED TO GROW UP MY SADLY DESTROYED ROSE ARCH.NOW TRAILS ALONG THE RAILINGS.

THIS REPEATED ITSELF AND I CANT REMOVE IT,LOL. THEY ARE GROWING WELL.

IN MEMORY

IN MEMORY OF THOSE PEOPLE KILLED AND INJURED IN THE LONDON BOMBINGS.

6 Years ago today.We will never forget the atrocities committed against innocent men,women,and children.Neither can we forget that this can so easily happen again.

GRATEFUL THANKS ARE DUE FROM ALL OF US TO OUR SECURITY FORCES AND POLICE FOR THE PROTECTION THEY AFFORD US,AND THE DANGERS THEY FACE EVERY DAY. take care all.

FOR ALL MY AMERICAN FRIENDS

I WISH EVERY ONE OF MY FRIENDS IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA A VERY HAPPY 4TH OF JULY.GOD BLESS AMERICA.

I have'nt been reading many blogs lately,the odd one,somehow i just can't get motivated these days.but i try and keep up with those of you on my friends list on Facebook.I shall be posting some pictures of the garden soon,and promise to let you all know what is happening in my life.I will just say i had a lovely surprise when my good friend Jayne came to see me from Cornwall,we had a lovely day in Wells next sea,and it was lovely to meet her after all the time we have been chatting on the net.Hope everyone is keeping as well as can be,will post soon,take care all.

SAD NEWS.

I have already posted on facebooks call for support a short time ago,but i know many of you do not use facebook. i have just heard from my dear friend Margaret over in Northern Ireland,that her beloved sister Sheila just lost her fight against cancer.i know Margaret is devastated at the loss,and i mourn her sisters passing.please pray for Margaret,she is a good friend,who has always been there for me when i was down.thankyou all.

Also,i do not know how many of you saw the article on the young 15 year old terminally ill cancer sufferer Alice in the news? she has just started a new blog,alices bucket list about all the things she wants to do in the time she has left.Alice's Bucket List: Hello :) will take you to her blog.i was humbled to read this amazing girls blog. It puts my problems into a different perspective. please leave a comment for Alice,she deserves it.

And finally,i am sorry i haven't posted lately,or been reading blogs.somehow i lost my way,what with breaking up with my friend,( and yes,we are STILL friends,we speak on phone every week)worry about mum,who is getting very forgetful and vague,and in so much pain with arthritis,not to mention a very nasty septic finger that required a course of antibiotics to shift,my own health problems,MS is bad,and my back is making me very depressed and down.All came together recently and i just had enough. money worries do not help either i may add.I hope i can put the past behind me now and move on,so hopefully more posts will be appearing soon.Thanks to Lucy,Herrad,and Beth,and of course Guido for keeping in touch with me,and indeed many more of you have sent emails and messages asking how i am,very kind of you all.

FOR ALL THOSE IN PAIN,SUFFERING THE LOSS OF LOVED ONES,THE SICK,TERMINALLY ILL,AND THOSE WHO ARE SAD AND DEPRESSED,MAY YOU ALL FIND PEACE,and for those who believe,let us pray that cancer and other serious diseases will one day be cured. thankyou for reading,take care all. Mort xx

alone again,naturally.

Those of my readers on Facebook may have noticed my relationship status has changed to single. again. i deliberately removed the notification off news feed,also off Myras. but i posted a comment,and a few put 2 and 2 together. and many thanks for all the nice messages of support i received.so what happened several have asked?well,its just the culmination of several things really,nobody to blame. i am a carer,and i just don't get the time to give,3 hours a week is not enough for any relationship,however often you phone each other,and we both have been hurt badly in the past.MS has played a part as well,the reason for that i will keep private.Myra is a lovely,wonderful lady,and i wish her well. and i really mean that.yes i was upset,yes i was hurt and angry, but as someone once said,never cry over that which once gave you joy. for the last 11 months myra has been part of my life. (and thankyou for that. i shall never forget you.xx) we will see each other sometimes,perhaps,i hope we remain friends. but i do
want to wish her every happiness. i will write more of what MS can ruin in a relationship some other time. not that that was the main reason we parted.
Ok,so that is the sad news,on a more positive note the beta blockers appear to be keeping the angina in check.which is good news.i am still waiting to see E.N.T about voice,and the O.T. has got me a new shower handle fitted,a shower chair,and a new wheelchair is coming for mum.which will help to make life easier for both. thankyou for your kind comments about my post on OCD,alli was so touched.she told me it made so much difference knowing other people understand just what she is going through.
spring hopefully is on the way,a few nice warmish,sunnny days have helped. the daffodils are in full bloom,snowdrops are finished as are crocus.and of course,........THE DUCKS ARE BACK.lol. yes,they are swimming away on the pond again. making a mess,pulling the weed about,but who cares?it means the awful cold of winter will soon be a memory. take care all.

OCD.thankyou Alli

I'm twenty years of age,

Used to think I'd be somewhere by this stage,

But I have a mental illness called, OCD,

And it's taken a big part of my life from me

I've buried my ambitions deep in my soul,

So many may think that my life has no goal,

But I know if I pursued them I'd only find,

That OCD would take over and consume my mind,

In a survey, my full time occupation would be,

Struggling through each day, only focussing on me,

Inviting me out is something you shouldn't do,

Because the outcome will be a disappointment for you

To be more precise, and to show that I care,

I'll tell you what happens when the outing day's here,

I spend hours getting ready, but when I do something wrong,

It must be re-done 'til my anxiety has gone

What could you do so wrong? You might ask,

Well just brushing my hair can be an hour long task,

Because my every movement is controlled by "The Voice",

It shows me no mercy, no reasoning, nor choice

I've become mistrusting of others, so when they are kind,

I feel a hidden agenda must be in mind,

Who would take any interest in me?

I don't deserve it, I'm unworthy

I've taken to chatting to old friends online,

Jealousy consumes me their lives are not mine,

Pursuing their dreams, countless nights out of fun,

Then there's me, who for months cannot think of one

For the truth is I live like a prisoner in my home,

Then only I can judge me if I'm all alone,

I feel I've failed life, so deserve this fate,

I'm on the road to recovery, but a cure I await.

I want to be honest, to tell everyone I'm ill,

But what would they think of me? What would they feel?

"Sorry to hear that". You'll be better soon".

Might be their kind words, but would they think "What a loon".?

But I wouldn't blame them if they didn't understand,

For I was the same before life dealt me this hand,

I'm ashamed and embarrassed by what I've become,

A fully grown woman that depends on her Mum

I've lost my independence, I rely on others to guide me,

For a small task for you, I feel self accomplishment can never be,

My feelings are anger, guilt and despair,

For taking others time, but still getting nowhere

So now when you look at me, what do you see?

A strange, quiet girl, hiding from society?

Well if you do, then you are wrong,

I'm battling a mental illness, but one day I'll be strong

by ALLI FIRMAGE, 2007,STIFFKEY,NORFOLK,UK
That was written by someone who knows what it is to be in the grip of OCD,obsessive-compulsive disorder. imagine having to do,and redo,the same task,over and over again,because it just isnt "right".imagine washing your hands,over,and over,and over.until they are red raw and bleeding.imagine cleaning your house from top to bottom,every single day,and sometimes,2,3,times a day if some unsuspecting visitor has sat on a chair you just cleaned.imagine.
Now,imagine a pretty young lady,late teens,early 20s,going out for the night.and having to take as long as 6 hours to do it.well,that is the reality that Alli has to face,each time she wants to go somewhere.Her and so many more.my lovely friend Debs,all those years ago,i went to see her one day,and she was at the sink,washing her hands,she had been bleaching the worktops.with no gloves.and her hands were bleeding.and she would do that up to 5 times a day.
Alli is slowly improving,as she says,she can have some control over how she does things now,she posted the poem today on Facebook,i saw it,i cried. and i am asking you,my readers,if you could copy that poem,and perhaps post it on your blog,Facebook,whatever social networking site you use,whatever you can do.please give credit to alli and mention her name.it deserves to be read by a far wider audience than just her friend list.will you do that if you can please???
Why am I posting it on my blog?? because there is a stigma attached to OCD,it is badly misunderstood,people think it is all "in the mind" that the sufferer is not trying,that he or she should "pull themselves together,snap out of it",that they cannot be right in the head.(my personal all time favourite,that one,very caring that is ).and because i also have it.oh,not bad.nowhere as bad as Alli.i can manage to keep it under control,and it is mainly having to do things in a certain order,etc.i can manage to break the cycle.but i KNOW what Alli goes through.and Debs,and so many more.like MS it is not understood,people think just because we look ok we are ok.ask Alli if she FEELS ok.or me.and then give thanks to whatever greater being you believe in,that YOU don't have it.or your son,daughter,whoever.
I believe it took a lot of courage for Alli to post that today on her home page on Facebook.it took guts.and she deserves our,YOUR,admiration and respect. and maybe,just maybe,it can help someone else out there in what i still call Jland.thankyou for reading,thankyou if you repost.take care all.mort. with many grateful thanks to Alli Firmage,and to all those who suffer from OCD.

life goes on.

i am so sorry i haven't been on here lately,not even been reading my beloved lucys blog,and i apologise. lot been going on in my life.i was rushed into hospital a few weeks ago,i had been feeling very ill the night before,an angina attack,but it was odd as i had been taking it easy that day.(honestly,lol) the next morning i still had bad pains in my arms so rang Drs.they asked me to go up and see the nurse for an ECG,i got there at 8.30.sat there feeling ill,and got called in.she asked me to lie on bed,connected me up,gave me ECG,looked at printout,smiled at me,said wont be a second morton,just take this to Dr.M,came back 5 minutes later,and said...............ambulance is on its way mate,lie there still please.omg.i shall cut a lot out as it will take too long to write,but i had to ring myra,mum,and then was taken to hospital. shame the damn ambulance was faulty,over 3000 RPM it shook,lol.the attendant told me it was fine night before,they got the call from surgery about me,hit the road,the lady friver put her foot down,and he got shook out of his seat.lol.he was pretty sure i wasnt having an attack,his ECG was ok,so we took it easy.even so it was...........interesting.taken into A and E,ECG,blood tests,anti clotting drug into tummy,xrays etc.and it was decided my angina has gone from a stable angina,to unstable,meaning anything can trigger it. long and short of it is,i am now on a beta blocker a day,and angina meds been increased to 1 full tablet from a half.and i feel much better. thankyou myra for ringing mum,and making sure brian was there with her,also for going to hospital and picking me up.i got home at 8pm.she took me to the surgery so i could get my car.alls well,etc.
i have seen the MS consultant also since i last posted.occupational therapist has been and i have had a new shower seat brought,rails added,etc.just one worrying thing,he did say my weak voice may not be all due to MS,and has written to ear nose and throat to get me checked over.apart from that,yes i am worse,weaker on left side,usual happy things.no worry.
mum has not been too good,gets very forgetful and vague,i heard her one night out of bed,she was looking for something in bedroom,but she had no idea what it was she was looking for. and i cant write any more about that. it is too painful.
i am going to post again tomorrow or weekend,a poem i read on a young ladies facebook site.and i need your help. because i want you,faithful readers,to copy that poem,paste it on your blog.and post it too. you will all see why. it needs so much more recgonition than just my blog. it is on OCD.AND IT MADE ME CRY.and it is beautifully written from the heart.i shall post shortly,thankyou all for being there for me,take care all,mort

HAPPY 90TH BIRTHDAY MUM

Lot of presents

even more cards,i had to buy 2,1 with mum,and another with a stuck on 90

Myra,the main person who made mums day so special.thankyou love xx

for a first attempt with a strange camera,the photographer did a good job,lol

no,mum WASN'T crying,or even close.just forgot to smile,lol.all bit much at times.

The lady,a friend of Myras makes these for a hobby.very talented.it tastes wonderful.rich fruit cake,full of cherries and good things.and so moist.

It was my mums 90th birthday today,Myra came over to see her,and to present her with the wonderful cake she had had made for her,along with presents.our neighbour Jan came in,a bottle of Bucks fizz opened,and i cut us all a slice of cake.absolutely delicious.Many grateful thankyous go to my lovely Lady,Myra,you made an old lady very happy today.And her son.

Being a carer full time can be very tiring,specially when i am feeling ill myself,but it is an absolute pleasure to care for mum,and i am glad to be able to do it. take care all.

ANOTHER YEAR OVER,A NEW ONE JUST BEGUN

WISHING YOU ALL A VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR.HOPE 2011 IS GOOD FOR YOU ALL.