the truth hurts

firstly,thankyou all for the lovely comments,thanks also to mary for the mails.you are right i do need to tell it all.so here goes. i started this journal as a way of letting off steam,i was waiting for a carers assessment,lot of red tape and bovine excrement off social services.mum was reasonably well,lot of pain,arthritis,gout,back trouble.since those early entries she has had a lot of trouble,some i have written about,the gout,stomach upsets,pain etc.but there is also another problem,one i have hinted at,usually i say she is a bit vague,or she is forgetful.well,yes,but there is more to it than that.since i had the heart attackit has become more noticeable,she has mood swings,she can be so selfish at times,other week we were going out on the friday as usual and just before we were going i was taken sick.as in vomiting bad.normally mum would have said,well we cant go with you like that,no,she was determined we were going,as it was i needed to go to bank,or else i would have put my foot down,did make it to fakenham,a drive of about 15 miles before being very ill in the public loo.she seems more forgetful evry day.sillly things,like not being able to remember the name of something simple like beetroot,or what i said the day before,or,and this is really worrying,if someone rings,mum knows they rung,but who,and what they said is gone.i often look over to her as she is sitting in her chair watching the tv,and i know full well that she isnt taking in any of what she is watching.her hands are continually working,rubbing her leg,the arm of the chair,very sad to see.AND I AM SCARED.because i dont want to lose her to alzheimers.i have had a word on the quiet with dr.M,he says she is exhibiting the first signs,maybe not bad,and maybe the shock of seeing me have the heart attack,the week i was away,has scared her.making her worse.hope thats all it is,she knows she has a problem,and i think much of her mood swings is her being scared herself.
It was arranged i was going to have thursdays off,tracey coming back to make lunch,carol in afternoon and i go out.well,the heart attack,back problem,(physio rang the other day,been waiting for my notes and has finally got them,stent wont affect an MRI scan so i am on 24 hour standby for one as soon as they can do it ) has meant i just arent going out.and if i do go,mum rings me every hour,just to make sure i am ok.bless.she just gets worried,that i dont mind,maybe when the better weather gets here i can get out more.i really do need a change of scenery.
as this has turned into kiss and tell,a sort of cleansing if you like,there is one final painful thing i need to get off my chest.very few people know so this will hurt.
i have no memory of my childhood. until the age of around 7 i have no reccollections at all,except just one,me standing near my bedroom window watching mum and dad in the garden.that was in our old house at hindolveston,then when i was 7,my grandad had a bequest left him and he bought mum the bungalow i lived in until we moved when i was 19.so why no early memories?ok im 56 but most people remember snippets of their early years.nothing.then,about 5,maybe 6 years ago i started having the most disturbing dreams,nightmares.always the same dream,i was about 4 or 5,in the old outside lavatory,(no inside loo in those days,just a bucket basically down the end of the garden,cart came round once a week and emptied it.this was the 50s,very few houses had bathrooms or flush toilets,many in fact no electricity.) i wasnt alone,our lodger,P.was in there with me,he lodged with us until we moved to the bungalow,and he was making me............well,lets just say i woke up gagging.the first time it happened i thought what an awful,strange dream,then as it occurred more and more,and more details were added i started to worry.because these werent dreams ,these were memories. one night i woke up with a vile taste in my mouth.and realised what it was,im not going to elaborate,im sure you can guess.now,as i am "straight",as i had never given a man that form of sex act,how did i know what the taste was?
I went to my dr.who put me in touch with a counsellor.bearing in mind by this time i was in a right state,she suggested hypnotherapy.and i found out,yes i had been sexually abused.from about the age of 5.this man P.used to take me into the toilet,or his bedroom,and molest me.i never said anything to mum,P was always "good" to me,bought me sweets,chocolate,expensive toys christmas and my birthdays,i never realised why.hush money ya think?? me too. and i suppose i shut out what i was being bribed for.the nightmares/memories continued,i did consider going to the police,but after so many years it would be difficult to prove,mum would have been so upset,not worth it.then one day......i was reading the local paper,as i sometimes do i was looking in the deaths section,and a name jumped out.P.had died at the village he eventually moved to,(after leaving us he moved in with my mates family,never did ask if he or his brothers were also abused,i couldnt somehow.)it was definately him,now over 80 he had died of cancer.something strange then happened.the dreams stopped.from that day i have had just one dream and that was it.
so,when i hear of child abuse,i cringe.because i know how easy it is for it to be covered up,hidden,forgotten. funnily enough lisa sent me a cause on facebook tonight,the joyful heart foundation,about child abuse.i think that helped me make my mind up to write this tonight.somethings ARENT best forgotten.they eat into you.like acid.take care all.thanks for always being there when i am down.mort.