Sunday, 26 April 2009

the truth hurts

firstly,thankyou all for the lovely comments,thanks also to mary for the mails.you are right i do need to tell it all.so here goes. i started this journal as a way of letting off steam,i was waiting for a carers assessment,lot of red tape and bovine excrement off social services.mum was reasonably well,lot of pain,arthritis,gout,back trouble.since those early entries she has had a lot of trouble,some i have written about,the gout,stomach upsets,pain etc.but there is also another problem,one i have hinted at,usually i say she is a bit vague,or she is forgetful.well,yes,but there is more to it than that.since i had the heart attackit has become more noticeable,she has mood swings,she can be so selfish at times,other week we were going out on the friday as usual and just before we were going i was taken sick.as in vomiting bad.normally mum would have said,well we cant go with you like that,no,she was determined we were going,as it was i needed to go to bank,or else i would have put my foot down,did make it to fakenham,a drive of about 15 miles before being very ill in the public loo.she seems more forgetful evry day.sillly things,like not being able to remember the name of something simple like beetroot,or what i said the day before,or,and this is really worrying,if someone rings,mum knows they rung,but who,and what they said is gone.i often look over to her as she is sitting in her chair watching the tv,and i know full well that she isnt taking in any of what she is watching.her hands are continually working,rubbing her leg,the arm of the chair,very sad to see.AND I AM SCARED.because i dont want to lose her to alzheimers.i have had a word on the quiet with dr.M,he says she is exhibiting the first signs,maybe not bad,and maybe the shock of seeing me have the heart attack,the week i was away,has scared her.making her worse.hope thats all it is,she knows she has a problem,and i think much of her mood swings is her being scared herself.
It was arranged i was going to have thursdays off,tracey coming back to make lunch,carol in afternoon and i go out.well,the heart attack,back problem,(physio rang the other day,been waiting for my notes and has finally got them,stent wont affect an MRI scan so i am on 24 hour standby for one as soon as they can do it ) has meant i just arent going out.and if i do go,mum rings me every hour,just to make sure i am ok.bless.she just gets worried,that i dont mind,maybe when the better weather gets here i can get out more.i really do need a change of scenery.
as this has turned into kiss and tell,a sort of cleansing if you like,there is one final painful thing i need to get off my chest.very few people know so this will hurt.
i have no memory of my childhood. until the age of around 7 i have no reccollections at all,except just one,me standing near my bedroom window watching mum and dad in the garden.that was in our old house at hindolveston,then when i was 7,my grandad had a bequest left him and he bought mum the bungalow i lived in until we moved when i was 19.so why no early memories?ok im 56 but most people remember snippets of their early years.nothing.then,about 5,maybe 6 years ago i started having the most disturbing dreams,nightmares.always the same dream,i was about 4 or 5,in the old outside lavatory,(no inside loo in those days,just a bucket basically down the end of the garden,cart came round once a week and emptied it.this was the 50s,very few houses had bathrooms or flush toilets,many in fact no electricity.) i wasnt alone,our lodger,P.was in there with me,he lodged with us until we moved to the bungalow,and he was making me............well,lets just say i woke up gagging.the first time it happened i thought what an awful,strange dream,then as it occurred more and more,and more details were added i started to worry.because these werent dreams ,these were memories. one night i woke up with a vile taste in my mouth.and realised what it was,im not going to elaborate,im sure you can guess.now,as i am "straight",as i had never given a man that form of sex act,how did i know what the taste was?
I went to my dr.who put me in touch with a counsellor.bearing in mind by this time i was in a right state,she suggested hypnotherapy.and i found out,yes i had been sexually abused.from about the age of 5.this man P.used to take me into the toilet,or his bedroom,and molest me.i never said anything to mum,P was always "good" to me,bought me sweets,chocolate,expensive toys christmas and my birthdays,i never realised why.hush money ya think?? me too. and i suppose i shut out what i was being bribed for.the nightmares/memories continued,i did consider going to the police,but after so many years it would be difficult to prove,mum would have been so upset,not worth it.then one day......i was reading the local paper,as i sometimes do i was looking in the deaths section,and a name jumped out.P.had died at the village he eventually moved to,(after leaving us he moved in with my mates family,never did ask if he or his brothers were also abused,i couldnt somehow.)it was definately him,now over 80 he had died of cancer.something strange then happened.the dreams stopped.from that day i have had just one dream and that was it.
so,when i hear of child abuse,i cringe.because i know how easy it is for it to be covered up,hidden,forgotten. funnily enough lisa sent me a cause on facebook tonight,the joyful heart foundation,about child abuse.i think that helped me make my mind up to write this tonight.somethings ARENT best forgotten.they eat into you.like acid.take care all.thanks for always being there when i am down.mort.

20 comments:

Lisa said...

Awww Mort since you were open about your past I feel that I can be with you too, I am so sorry you were molested as a child , I hate that you were violated at such a young age :( I was molested too at the age of 9 by my best friend's grandfather, the sad thing was too she lived next door to me and so did he, she wondered why I did'nt want to play with her anymore, Oh it was a mess, I too am sorry about your mum forgetting things lately, will keep her in my prayers and you too, I'm always here for you if you need a friend, Love Ya Lisa XOXO

mortonlake said...

i have deleted the feed to facebook,the link to here is still on,but it wont now automatically feed this blog to facebook.some of my friends on there never read this blog,and for various reasons i would prefer it if it wasnt read except by my journal friends.nearly said jland then lol.tc all.thanks lisa,already spoken to you on face hun,im sorry you were too,some men need parts removing,in fact,several parts lol.tcxxx

jack69 said...

Hey Mort, My sympathies are with you my man. My mama's mind left as we were caring for her. It was hard to deal with. And neither of us had physical problems that over shadowed Mama's problems.
As I said you are one tough dude.

It is easy to give advice, a lot of folks do. All I can say is I think you handled a BAD situation correctly, finding out so late. I am sure that doesn't change the violated feelings you have.
I am glad the dreams ceased!
Hang in there, Jack

louise said...

Hi
So sorry about your mum, hope you get the help with her you deserve. As for the other....well I am so sorry about that too its awful. Hope the councilling helped with the nightmares you are a very brave man for sharing xxx

FrankandMary said...

Hey Mort :-),

I don't really have "blog" time this morning but I had to look in my reader to see if you'd posted. I am so glad you did, because as I said in the email, the situation with your mom is one many have gone thru and would want to help you with, listen, understand your feelings.

It is no magic solution to a problem, but you know you aren't alone, and you don't need to be anything but you to be accepted by your friends. ~Mary

I'm mostly known as 'MA' said...

You have so many problems yet seem to face it and move on too. Your care of your mom is to be applauded. It is not easy at all. I went though a little with my own parents, but not 24/7 like you have. You are blessed with some good friends and that does make a difference. You and your mother are in my prayers too.
'On Ya'-ma

Lucy said...

Mort there is no reason to think I could not or not want to read your blog. I to was molested as a child at about age 9. You had no control. I to never told my mom or dad. The person that molested me was a member of the family so they didn't go away. I was able to stop it with threats to tell, but not for a while. It was repeated with me also. You would be suprised how many people are in the same boat we are. Mort do not ever be afraid that you will make me feel like I can never read your blog. It is your blog and you can vent in it all you like. You need to and I need to and I do. Some people may be horrified to read things like that. I finally got it through my head that I was NOT TO BLAME. None of my huge family ever knew. Mort you have got to realize that that your mum, bless her heart will only continue to get worse as far as memory, fidgeting, and with your health you may not be able to keep her at home. I hate to say this but I know from watching it happen to my sister , your mum will be there in body but her mind will be totally gone. I am not trying to be cruel but that is the way alzhiemers is and YOU KNOW in your heat she has that. I feel a bond with you even though I am so far away. We have lots, not all good by any means, in common. The good is our love of flowers aND Gardening and being able to offer comfort to each other. Alan had the same problem of getting sick and vomiting. Mort regardless of what that person did to you, you are a good man, just as I have came to believe I am a good woman despite what when I was to little to defend myself. Hang in there Mort. I do know what you are going through. Talk to me any time. In my seventy nine years I have sort of learned to deal with whatever comes along. Problem is with you and Alan MS is more powerful, than mind over matter.

Pamela said...

Hi Mort. I'm sorry to hear about your Mum. Losing a loved one to that awful disease is one of the worst things that can happen. I will keep her in my prayers.
I'm also so sorry you had to experience that as a little boy. That man should have been shot! You were violoated, and lost your innocence. I'm so very sorry for you Mort. You are such a good person. You are strong, and have come through all of your challenges with your head held high. Know that you are in my prayers, and I am thinking of you often.
Love ya!! xoxox

Rain said...

Hello Mort,
It's cleansing to release that information. In my case I hid everything and pushed it down. But when you do that, knowingly or not, it has to resurface at some point. Mine all came into consciousness during my burnout. I'm glad you got help! Once I got past the shame and disgust, I was able to move on. Take care of yourself and I'm sorry to hear about your mother.

ADB said...

Well done for speaking out about those early years and what happened there - what should not happen to anyone. I'm sorry it did happen to you. Your mum is of a very advanced age, and sometimes a degree of senility / Alzheimer-type-thing does creep in. I hope things don't get much worse, Mort. Take care.

Guido

Teresa said...

Dear Mort (((((Sending you HUGE healing hugs)))))
I can so empathize with what you are going thru with your Mum...my grandmother went thru it and my great grandmother. I hope and pray with all my heart that it doesn't fall on me too, getting closer to the age they were when they succumbed to it terrifies me to the "nth" degree. I've already told Cindy that I was NOT to be put in a home of ANY sort. That if it ever got to that point or I knew it was that I would end it myself. I will not put myself through that nor will I put Cindy. So I can understand your fear and sadness with Her.
About the abuse? I was abused also.. I have several holes in my memories - psych said it was/is Post Traumatic Shock Syndrome. I may never get all the memories back, frankly I don't know if I want to remember, because what I DO remember? they are all awful, I can't think about them without flinching away from them. I have things where if someone walks up behind me and I don't know it? I freak the hell out. It's not that I "freak out" on purpose, it's something that just happens. If I know someone is going to do so then it's not so bad. The PTSD isn't all from the abuse in my youth but it also has to do with the fact I was with a extremely abusive partner for 10ish years (She was a alcoholic, drank Scotch and Beer, I can't abide either of those smells to this day) anyway...I am rambling. And that little button inside of my head is switching it off like it always does.
Just KNOW that you have so many loving friends here and you can tell most of us anything.
Hugs and Blessings** Teresa

jean said...

Hi Mort, sorry to hear about your mum I’m sure she is worries a lot about your health. I am so sorry about what happen to you as a child. I'm glad to hear that your nightmares has stop since the death of the man who did this to you. Back in those days more people could do things and get away with it I think now more are getting time in the slammer where they belong. You take care Mort, jean

Herrad said...

Hi Mort,

Big hug.

Love,

Herrad

Richie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Richie said...

Oh Mort I have gone started this three times now and I am no nearer to expressing my mixture of feelings.
First just what a strong man you are. You go through so much yet stay yourself. As a care giver and some one who has witnessed what MS does to a person I can only marvel that you manage so well. Your mum must have been so scared when you got ill. Do you have a memory clinic she could go to? I have heard they help- help to manage loosing the memory as much as help keep it but it can stop the loss being such a blow to her confidence. If you forgive me as an amateur writer I thought about your mum seeming selfish- I came up with her panic at a plan being changed- she has been using the Friday trip as a lighthouse in her week- this is how she organises her thoughts. If the the plan changes how will she know how it all fits together. Not really selfish more confused in perspective.
Thank you for trusting us with your horrible memory. I want to cry for the wee Morton.(deleted rant) Oh well his dead. I hope it stays in the past for you now mate.
Take good care of yourself. You are quite a bloke.
you are in our thoughts
Richie

Sandra said...

Oh Mort, I`m so sorry to hear about your mum. Hubby Jim`s had dementia and I wouldn`t wish it on anyone. How awful that happened to you when you were so young. I can never understand how an adult can do such a thing to a defenceless child.

Love Sandra xx

Beth said...

Mort, it never fails to shock me to hear of another person who was abused as a child. It would seem that it's much more common than we could ever imagine, and that makes me ill. I'm glad you are talking to someone about it, and I suspect it was a bit of a burden off of your shoulders to see that the bastard had died.

I'm so sorry to hear what your Mum is going through. I hope that the situation will improve, as the memory of your heart attack fades. I hope the doctor can help you with resources for support.

Much love,
Beth

LYN said...

what a brutally honest post...I am very humbled that you shared it with us...as a victim of sexual abuse as a child i absolutely know where you're coming from...my abuser is dead too...sometimes I can't decide if my dreams are really reality...

sorry about your Mum....must be so hard...

hang in there okay??
xx from across the pond

Ally Lifewithally said...

Dear Mort I am so sorry for what you had to go through ~ I think your memory tried to block out the awful things that happened ~ I hope your Mum will be OK will keep you both in my thoughts and Prayers ~ Ally x

Jane said...

Mort - posting about your childhood took SUCH courage and reading about it really upset me for you - as a little boy, and now as a grown man.
Im sorry your Mum isnt too well at the moment. You are both in my thoughts and prayers

Jane
xxxx