Wednesday, 31 December 2008

another year over.


2008 has been a mix of good and bad. we lost jland.but we found blogspot.ok,it will never be the same but we are still here,still writng our hopes,our fears.sharing with others our lives and sharing in theirs.many of us found facebook,bebo,yearbook,so many other networking friends made. and sadly for some,friends and loved ones lost.emma in particular affected me more than even her mum knows.not that i am scared i will go like that,it is very rare for that to happen,but lucy umderstands.and lucy,you are one of the best things to come out of 2008,thankyou for your friendship.and

For myself 2008 was strange.i finally accepted the MS,finally claimed all i was, and have been,entitled too,then had a bloody heart attack to round the year continues in reasonable health,her arthritis is bad,her gout comes and goes,thankfully not quite as bad as it was.she is getting more and more forgetful bless her.worryingly forgetful.but she is 88 on january 3rd.and she is allowed to be a bit forgetful at times.while i can i shall remain her carer.she is content i think,and hope. i have a new car to look forward to,i signed the papers yesterday and it should be here soon.i have made many new friends this year.thanks to you all,and may you all find peace and happiness in your own lives.take care all

Sunday, 28 December 2008

sick talk

As many of you know i was in hospital for a week recently,where i received wonderful care from some lovely and caring people.nurses,doctors,even the ladies who brought the meals round,all dedicated,all friendly. now,bearing in mind i was rushed in having a heart attack i didnt have a lot of time to get things together to take,pam as i have said kindly visited me and took me fresh mother bless her was in a state,naturally,and wanted to keep in touch with,at each bedside in that and just about every other hospital in england,are televisision screens with a built in either purchase cards to put in,from £5 upwards,or you use a credit or debit card to purchase my case i put on £20 which gave me television for a week and £10 on my personal phone for making calls. calls cost 10p a minute to make.not too bad is it?? well i used that £10,and Pam,bless her heart,put me another 20 on,making £30 in all.i used the lot nearly in a week.on top of that,mum was ringing me quite often,she was lonely and wanted to i pay my telephone bill through talk talk,along with AOL,american friends please note,aol uk split from the main AOL sometime ago,we go it alone lol,although we still use much of the system.this is paid every month through my credit card.the phone calls usually come to around £6 a month,not counting the line rental to yesterday i got my credit card statement,i was prepared for a shock,and i got it. instead of the £6 or so,my calls for the month came to over £75.that week in hospital cost me £70 on phonecalls,on top of the 30 i spent myself.Pam later told me her phonebill was over 46 for ringing me,and she only rung once a day,my friend angela spent 20.all in all i estimate for one week in hospital,phonecalls cost a total of over £200.£30 a day.which is a bloody rip off.i also used my mobile for txting,wish i had used it for calls.been a tenth of the,when you are lying in bed,ill,you dont have any visitors,which i didnt,you get fed up,and you just want to hear a friendly voice,and to charge a double whammy,both on making the call from the hospital,and on receiving the call at the other end is a bit much.i know the technology to provide the service has to be charged for,and it is done through a private firm,but these prices are be warned.if you,or your loved ones have to stay in hospital,be aware of the hidden price of keeping in touch.
Wendy was kind enough to say she thought i had done a lovely tribute to Emma,so i am pleased.if she had any reservations at all i would have deleted the entry.thanks to all who commented on made me cry writing it. is all over,i do hope you all had good ones.i had a lovely day,so did we look forward to a new year.can i just take this oppurtunity to wish everyone a really peaceful,happy,pain free 2009.take care all

Friday, 26 December 2008

lives cut short. what MS can do.


EMMA LOUISE HORWOOD,who fell asleep 11th November,2008,aged 21.

Thanks to Emmas mum Wendy for allowing me the privilege to show Emma as she was before MS ravaged her young body. A lovely,vibrant happy young lady.Wemdys only daughter.Whose life should have been one filled with laughter,and fun. Then along came and why Emma contracted it is still a mystery,as it is with everyone who is diagnosed with it.For some,like myself it can cause us the misery of pain,of fatigue,of dizzyness,weakness in limbs,loss of vision, it can cause embarassment of speech difficultys,of a loss of bladder control,and other complaints of a personal nature. but we fact for many Ms is often hardly noticed.every so often it "flares up",we get pain,problems,then it subsides. but sometimes it turns happened to poor emma.She was just 17 when she was diagnosed,and because she was so young the disease was much more aggressive,in the 4 years she had left,that beautiful young lady was transformed.

It attacked her central nervous system,leaving emma needing a wheelchair,unable to walk. still enjoying her cigs her boyfriends love never faltered in all the time she was ill.

As the disease took hold,gradually Emma became confined to her bed,and eventually she was to become completely paralised,fed through a tube into her stomach,unable to talk,but she never lost that lovely smile.

I know from speaking to Wendy how this girl fought,chest infection after chest infection,( the main cause of death in MS sufferers) caused her to weaken.Emma had made a living will,after having to be resuscitated in hospital she determined she would never want that to happen again.She wanted to die at home.surrounded by her possessions,and her mothers,grandmothers,and boyfriends love. She made it to her 21st birthday.Wendy gave her a lovely day to remember. i still remember the birthday cake,we had 2 lots sent us by Wendy.bless you cake ive ever eaten.made by one of Emmas carers.

Soon after her 21st,Emma started to get even more chest infections,anti-biotics didn't have any effect.As her mum said,it was as though she had decided it was time. She died on the 11th,November at around 1am. so why have i featured Emma so much? these photos were sent to me by her grieving mother wendy,who has become a great and lovely friend.she has helped me with my own demons,my fear of what Ms can,and perhaps will,do to me.her devotion to Emma has been a joy to see,and my heart goes out to you Wendy love. Emma deserves our admiration.NOT PITY.i dont think she ever would want pity.but she deserves to be remembered.

Also affected by the death of a beloved son is my second mom Lucy, What is left of a whole new life.her son Alan also died from complications caused by an extremely aggressive form of the disease.I had planned on adding his photos as well,but Lucy love,i am too close to alans age.i can't somehow bring myself to do it. so instead perhaps those of you who don't read her journal will go and visit.and read back.she has done her own tribute and remembrance of the son she loved.and lost so cruelly. No mother should lose their child.whatever the age of that lucys case alan was in his 40s. in Wendys case,Emma was her only child. both mothers.both should we.

Those of you reading this, many of your friends,relatives,loved ones,may have MS.many people have it with little or no side effects,only being found out during an autopsy after death. To put it in perspective,there are thought to be around 180,000 sufferers of MS in the UK alone,with maybe half as many again who have it but have no symptoms.Emma and Alan were so unlucky to have a type that took over and ravaged their nervous systems. May they rest in peace,and may a cure be found soon. It may be your son or daughter one day who needs it. I make no apologies for writing this is done out of my respect and admiration of Emma and my deep fondness for here mother Wendy.As i have for Lucy,who is always there for me when i need her. Thanks to both of you for sharing your memories and your love for your children.


Tuesday, 23 December 2008

hale n hearty. sort of

well,many thanks first of all.i have had so many comments and emails,even the odd get well card,its very kind of you all to be so concerned. so,how do i feel? well apart from the odd angina twinge when i have done too much,which is soon abated by the nitro spray i always carry,pretty good considering. i went to my drs yesterday to discuss my MS tablets,as one of them warns of an increased risk of heart problems,luckily it meant the heart rate,so i am ok. dr.M apologised and said the ECG the surgery took,gave no indication i was having such a massive heart attack as i had,and that had he had any idea he would have called for the ambulance to go straight to the surgery.said from the report i am very lucky to be alive. hopefully that will be the end of any problems. i must say i feel ok,and am carrying on life as normal.

One good piece of news,i have been awarded mobility allowance at long last,even got some back dated money so christmas is a bit nicer. i have decided to take a car in lieu of the money,and am getting a new Ford Fiesta 3 door,1.25 petrol.should be here in 3 weeks. they just take your mobility allowance and the car is yours,every 3 years they allow you to change it for a new one. it payed to appeal to the tribunal. but it does make me annoyed that i and many more disabled,have to resort to having to appeal to get this my case,3 appeals.but at least i did get it.

since i have been home i have been taking things easy,and we are looking forward to christmas day. now normally i take old B up the road his christmas dinner,but i arent this year. he told me he was fine,and not to bother.and as he didnt even bother to come and see my mum when i was in hospital,or ring her to see if she was ok,that is fine with me. the spirit of christmas? no,i know,but i really dont care.

it has been a year since i was diagnosed with MS,december 20th the fast this year has flown by.sadly some lovely people have passed on this year,and one,emma,in particular affected me badly. the next entry i do,is going to be a tribute to those who have been less fortunate than myself with their MS.Emmas mum,my dear friend Wendy,sent me a copy of Emmas funeral service,with a lovely photo of what emma looked like before the ravages of Ms took hold.she has given me permission to use them,as has my lovely friend Lucy,whos beloved son alan has been dead for 16 years. i am going to do it so those who have no idea can see just what this evil disease does. so far i am lucky. i shall try to make it a fitting tribute to 2 lovely people. sometime over the next week or so.

lastly,can i wish all my friends and readers,A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS,AND A JOYOUS AND PEACEFUL NEW YEAR. thanks for reading this journal.and for giving me the chance to know you all through your own writings. take care all.

Wednesday, 10 December 2008

whole hearted thankyous

Last tuesday i had the misfortune,putting it mildly,to suffer a massive heart attack. i hadn't been feeling well for several days,pains in my left arm,a "tight" feeling in my chest, on monday i had rung my Drs surgery to make an appointment for the following afternoon. Tuesday morning i went over to my friend pams and took her to her dr at Melton Constable for a check up on her knee.she has had a replacement operation and was due to have it checked. i felt lousy so after dropping her at hers i drove home. realising something was wrong,i decided to go up our local hall,as my dr.comes here every tuesday and friday. i was first in to see him,and after examining me,he asked me to go to Wells health centre,some 4 miles away to have an ECG trace this time i was in severe pain.i got to the surgery,explained at reception and was called into the nurses room.she wired me up,read the trace,said i think dr.M should see this.he soon arrived back,looked at the ECG and asked if i felt able to drive home.he would arrange for an ambulance to come and take me to hospital. so i drove,another 4 miles back,by this time i was literally screaming in pain.the last 2 miles i just dont remember doing.i got home,parked the car,staggered indoors.(already having rung and warned my poor mum i was going into hospital,) and co;;apsed on the ground.agony.a tight band wound round my chest,my arms were on fire,i couldnt get any air into my lungs.i managed to grab a few things together to take with me,and just prayed.because i really thought i was going to die.mum was frantic,our friend brian pulled up,alerted by mums phone call,at the same time as the himself worries old mate,said he,shoving a bloody great canula in my hand,we will soon stop the pain.morphine injected.and...................sod all relief.i was yelling by this time.the big ambulance then pulled up,and 2 very nice ambulance personell came trotting in.paper work sorted,i was whisked in a wheelchair to the waiting ambulance,and away we roared.30 miles to the Norfolk and Norwich hospital.i was given more morphine on the way by the medic but it just didnt do any good.they had radioed ahead,and as we stopped at the door of the Coronary Care Unit,we were met by 2 nurses and a doctor,i was transferred to a bed,wired up to monitors,all calm,professional,wonderful care.within 5 minutes a dr.explained"morton,you are having a massive heart attack,another 30 minutes and you will be dead,so i am injecting you with a clot busting drug to break up the blockage causing the awful pain,there are possible side effects,but if i dont,you are going to die".no contest lol.within 5 minutes i started to feel easier,as the pain slowly subsided.within 20 minutes i was relatively pain free.i had to lay quietly for 3 hours,and was then moved to a side room.after 2 days i was moved to the main ward.on monday i was given an agiogram,and as luckily i had the "main man" as one of the nurses said lol,the damage to the artery was repaired,and a stent put in then and there. i was allowed home yesterday,tuesday.a week to the day. MY GRATEFUL THANKS TO THE WONDERFUL DOCTORS AND NURSES,AND ALL THE STAFF OF THE NORFOLK AND NORWICH HOSPITAL. AND TO THE PARAMEDICS AND AMBULANCE STAFF.

Finally. my heartfelt thanks to jeannette for her updates on me.for all my friends on blogspot,facebook,the 50s romance chatroom,angela for ringing me,bless you hun.bernie, as well as nina,who actually tried to visit,but due to a virus at the hospital wasnt allowed in,and my lovely,special friend lyn. you never forget me hun.and im honoured to call you my friend, you always think of me.THANKYOU ALL FOR YOUR KIND WISHES. TAKE CARE ALL,MORT.

Thursday, 27 November 2008

thanksgiving wishes

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL MY FRIENDS IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, thanks for all you kind comments,your friendship,and your encouragement.
Take care all mort

Thursday, 20 November 2008


well,thats over with.i got to Norwich hospital at 3pm and was lucky enough to get called straight in,the lady that was being scanned had had to have a dye injected,and there was a wait for it to i was straight in for mine. anyone doesnt know,Magnetic Resonance Imaging scanners are like a tunnel. you are slid in,and it is not a nice procedure. god help you if you are claustrophobic, i didnt think i was until i had my first one. the roof of said "tunnel" is about 6 to 9 inches away from your nose. you get to know the patterns in the plastic very well. i was in the corpse position lol.on my back arms crossed,with the "panic button" they give you to hold in case you feel ill in there and want to get out fast. ear plugs in. the scan "bit" across my head first,then repositioned after the frst scan done. scans last from 14 minutes,the first,8 mins.second,and the last 4 minutes. imagine being in a tin roofed shed with a massive hail storm going on. similar drumming noise. andf you have to keep still. as i get acid reflux if i lay flat,i have to keep trying to swallow,and its bloody hard to keep still and do that. at last it was over,slid out into the light again. all in all i was in and out in 45 minutes. very good indeed. the results will be sent to my consultant,and he will see me on my next appointment with him in january. which is why he wanted the scan done. so he can see how things look. anyway,i got home at 5 and the lovely lady,carol,from Crossroads carers was still with mum,she had said she would keep with her however late i was. she is the carer who comes in now on a thursday afternoon to allow me my time off. which i still have to actually have lol. at least if i dont want,or cant afford to go out i can go to bed. its funny,when she first came 3 or 4 weeks ago and introduced herself,we realised we used to live 4 doors away from each other at Melton Constable,and in fact her parents still live in the same house lol. small world. she is a lovely carer,in the true sense of the word. think tracey could learn a thing or 2 from carol. on a sadder note,it was Emmas funeral today. i can add that she died peacefully with her mother ,grandmother and boyfriend at her bedside. may she find peace. take care all

Wednesday, 19 November 2008

awarded but refused

Yasmin kindly nominated me for the real people real blogs award. thankyou. but i cant accept it yasmin. sorry. im not feeling well, i cant concentrate, and i just cant. sorry. im supposed to nominate 7 more,show links,picture,i just cant do it at the moment.lucy,pamal3,indigo,those are 3 i would have picked.just cant be motivated enough to do it. i have a lot on my mind and just dont want any more. ive got to have an MRI scan tomorrow. i saw the MS nurse today,and she got in touch with consultant.apparently he had wanted me to have scan weeks ago,wasnt happy i hadnt had one,pulled some strings and result. scan tomorrow. all i can think of,is how much change is there? and my mum is scaring me. she really is getting worse. she keeps forgetting things. is so vague. please dont think im not grateful yasmin love. i am. i just cant comply with the rules that come with it. take care all

Tuesday, 11 November 2008

a life cut short through MS.Tribute to a brave young lady.



Some of you may remember a few months ago i asked Jland to pray for Emma,who was seriously ill with a chest infection.she managed to overcome that one,but sadly she caught several more after. She slipped into a coma yesterday,and died at 1am this morning. Her poor mother wendy is in my thoughts.

Emma was just 21 years old. She was diagnosed with MS at the age of just 17. because of her young age,unfortunately she got the most aggressive,progressive form of this evil disease. she has been bedridden for some time now,paralised,fed through a tube,unable to barely talk. JUST 21. She had no chance,her immune system couldn't cope,even with all the anti-biotics the doctor prescribed and gave her. I haven't asked her mothers permission to post this entry,i hope she wont mind. I make no apologies if i upset any of my readers. This girl,young lady rather,WAS JUST 21. She should have had her whole life in front of her. A career. A family of her own. FUN. the things we all expect children,teenagers,young people to have. Her life has been cut short by the same disease i have,and that which was the cause of death of my dear friend Lucys beloved son Alan. M S. EMMA WAS JUST 21.

Remember her in your thoughts,pray for her mother Wendy if you so wish. And also pray,that a cure for this most awful of diseases is found sometime soon.


Take care all.from a deeply saddened mort.i cried today for her.

Sunday, 9 November 2008

















( John McCrae )

On the 11th hour,of the 11th day,of the 11th month 90 years ago,peace finally came.

In every village,town,city across the United Kingdom you can see them.War memorials. filled with the names of those who fell in the War to end all Wars. only a tiny handful are left who remember that awful time. WE MUST NEVER FORGET THOSE WHO DIED.

63 years ago,World War 2 finally came to an end. the dead from that conflict are also remembered on the memorials. again,every year,fewer remain who remember what it was like. WE MUST NEVER FORGET THOSE WHO DIED.

The Falkland war. so many,many more since then. Iraq,and Afghanistan now, whatever we think of these conflicts,whatever the rights and wrongs. WE MUST NEVER FORGET THOSE WHO HAVE DIED PROTECTING THE WEAK,THE POWERLESS,THE OPRESSED.

May God heal those who are ill,give comfort to those who grieve,bring peace to those who are conflicted,and ease the pain of all who are suffering.

Let our hands join in friendship,not in anger.

May all nationalities learn to live side by side as kindly neighbours,may there now be peace all over the world. Amen

with grateful thanks to my friend sybil for the email she kindly sent me.

Take care all

Friday, 7 November 2008

death of a journal birth of a new

well,thanks to jeannettes and others help caring n sharing just went to that great blog scrap heap. never to be seen again. this one ( as i DO hope ya noticed ) has had a make over a wash and brush up. my tags are back. no,not all of them,i will add some more as i want. done away with the microsoft/apple news widget, spruced things up. and now its my journal again. not blog. this is a journal. feels right now. daft? maybe.

So. does this mean mort is back to his old self? no not really. but more optimistic. and the black journal is also back. the one you lovely readers will never see. dont bother trying to peep lol. A) its private,B) its not in this name. why do it again? because sometimes i need to write things down,to get them straight in my head. and couple things are not for public view.

death of jland was sad. i got attached to that journal/this journal.didnt feel like learning new procedures all over again. but i think i have got the hang of this a bit better now. we will the meantime,i shall just say thanks to all my friends,both on here,face and yearbooks,tagged,chatroom,wherever and whoever you are,this journal just came back to life. hope you are going to stay around. take care all

this time i got the right one lol. and more tragedy

again i did it. posted to caring n sharing. anyone know how you delete a journal on blogspot please email me, thanks. it needs to go. anyway,for those who missed it i posted an entry concerning the passing of a neighbour,mrs.W 97,found dead in her house alone. that night i heard noise from next door,sheila was making a hell of a nois,doors banging,and a car roaring off. when i went ot late at night as i usually do,to take a walk and have a last ciggy, ok i know, still smoking,dont nag, i saw her husbands van wasnt there. i had heard there had been a car accident earlier in the evening on the narrow road he travels on,and something told me he was in trouble.
sure enough my mobile rang next day at lunch time,it was sheila. aubrey had been in the car accident and was seriously ill in Addenbrooks hospital,with brain damage and assorted fractures. she is staying there until she knows how he is. spoke to her yesterday,he was in theatre again. very poorly indeed. those of you who do,please pray for him. he needs it.
apparently he was following another car,quite foggy so neither going too fast,and a car came round the corner,on the wrong side of the road, the car in front swerved out onto other side of road,and the car hit aubrey head on. he had to be cut from the wreckage of his van, the driver who hit him was bloody drunk. and walked without a scratch. another life possibly ruined by drink driving. still people dont learn you cant drink and drive. i feel so sorry for sheila,they havent been married long. in my thoughts love.xx

Thursdays is now officially MY DAY OFF. i am supposed to go out,do what i want,get away. mum has carer to come in and sit with her from 2 til 5 also the agency that provides tracy,different from the other ones, are supposed to come and get mum a cuppa and something for her lunch. not hard i dont think?? 15 minutes has been allocated. so yesterday,i didnt feel well,my swallowing not good,im a bit chesty,it was wet,cold,lousy. tracy is suddenly having a day off on thursdays once a fortnight,and yesterday was one of those days. so we had a lay in, i did breakfast and we had an easy morning. i just nipped over to pams,had to take her to doctors, the knee joint she had done is doing well. got home at 12,said to mum we will let the carer come and see to lunch while i am here so i could show her where everything is,have a cupa with us,etc. mum had already been phoned by the agency tha day before to be told tina wouldnt be there to get her lunch til 1.45 bloody late. but ok,tracy away,understand that. and i would leave mum a sandwich to have when she wanted. neither of us eat much at lunchtimes,i cook evening meal,we have a good breakfast. anyway,when i got home mum said, they arent coming to give me lunch. tina went off sick,so no-one is available. now it didnt matter yesterday. i was home. but another week it WILL matter. carol,the absolutely wonderful lady carer came at 2 and was shocked. i shall be writing to my social worker and complain. that firm is bloody useless. they have NO, i shall repeat that, NO relief carers. if a carer goes off sick,or has a holiday,they expect other carers to cover. we met an ex employee who tracy brought round earlier this year to show the ropes to,in the supermarket today. she told us she left after 2 months,she couldnt stick it. they tried to shove a load of extra calls onto her nearly every day. think it explains the slapdash care mother gets from tracy these days,she was 11 minutes giving mum a shower tuesday,drying and dressing her. i am getting very very peed off with the lot of them. caring is NOT a job,its not getting a job done as quickly as possible and buggering off onto the next,as fast as we can. its about caring for your client,chatting,making sure he/she is ready to face the day. unfortunately its money driven. the more "jobs" they can fit in,with the fewest staff equals the most profit. my mum is a number,not a person in their eyes. we shall see. thanks to all my friends for your comments. i feel a lot better. depression takes some shifting,i do have bad days. MS makes me depressed. but i am still going to be around. take care all

Friday, 31 October 2008

an old friend returns,the death of a journal

pamal3 is back. welcome to blogspot love. anyone who missed her entry she migrated her journal successfully the link is Almost 40! please note if you had her saved before in your favs as i did,please delete that link first BEFORE trying to use the link i just posted.or else you will get that bloody cold message from AOL. we killed ya journals tough shit. or words to that effect. its god to see my lovely friend back. i have missed her journal,and her.
Our old journals died today. i wish i felt more positive about continuing. i shall still write sometimes,but i am finding it so hard. take care all mort

Sunday, 26 October 2008


i posted last night i knew i had i saved it i knew i had so where the hell has it gone this morning?? over on caring n sharing thats where i posted to wrong one lolol oooops. never mind. just to set record straight if anyone missed it, caring and sharing is one year old. not going to bother doing the whole entry again. just to say,i havent been feeling well,and had a lot of problems. thanks though everyone who kept me going for this last year. i shall be back to normal journal mode when i feel better take care all

Sunday, 12 October 2008

zoes dad

sad news for those of you who know her journal Domestic Chaos on the old jland will be sad to hear she has just lost her beloved dad. please will you visit her journal on aol journals and leave her a message. she will not be migrating to blogger. please do not email her,just leave a comment. thanks for this. i know how she feels. i lost my dad when i was 18,and although it has been expected it has still come as a shock to her.

Thursday, 9 October 2008

back to normal

well caring and sharing is here on blogger looks complete. i do miss my tags,going to have to work out how to do them,but im here. the other journal caring n sharing will be discontinued as a public journal but i may keep it as a private one.if i do you will get an invite. the black journal will die.ive got no way of bringing it over as its not in my name,and im not opening another blog account for it. that will do for now,take care all

Thursday, 2 October 2008


well as i am sure you are all too well aware  aol journals will finish the  31st of october.theres been so much written already  on so many journals,that  jland  is over,what will we do,blogspot is a poor alternative, and       jland is dead.     well   NO IT BLOODY WELL ISN'T.   for a start  magic smoke promise our journals will be saved over to blogspot        if you dont know about  it  heres a link  Blogger: Create Blogger Account        go,look,join,start a new journal. heed magic smokes advice  and dont call  your new journal  exactly the same name as your old       hence  i can be found  now  at  caring n sharing       ( note the subtle difference???)  lol      the url  is and  it took me  ooooo    all of 20 minutes to set up the account,select what  my blog will look like,write a quick entry,edit my profile,  (complete  with sexy new pic ladies!!! lol )     and  that is that.caring and sharing lives again. for those of you interested,sue,catslittertray  has started a group on facebook  called  Facebook | not wanted on voyage anymore   please come and join us  if you wish,yes  you will have to join facebook,but  its ok.  you wont be   yours truly is an admin moderator  along with  sue  jeannette  yasmin      leigh  and  a.d. for some reason sue named me as gardening  at  this moment we number 20.please come and join us.its just somewhere we can leave messages,chat,and swap stories. 

jland was never about journals. it was never  all the tags,pics,sidebars.   it is US.  the writers,the people  BEHIND  our journals.      we are still here.  and while we can still all keep in touch,in whatever way  suits  you all best,jland will always  remain.  new,more complicated  maybe?   bit scary.       but it lives on.  forget  blame,forget bitterness that it happened.  accept  it.     because  if  you DON'T        jland  WILL die.

for a while i doubt i shall be writing many entries  on either this or the new blog,but    my first birthday on journals is on october 22nd. i hope to write one last entry on this journal  on or around that date. a cake would be nice.   lol

as for  my life,  i had a letter from the carers who will look after mum when i have a day off,unfortunately  they are fully booked.   not heard from either of the social workers about  it,so im not sure what is happening.    i have also been refused  invalidity  and mobility allowances.      expected that,i was warned  we will have to appeal.  its  normal apparently.  i think  they hope  people will just  throw the letter in the fire and go away,i  would        many  more  do.     luckily i have a good disabled advisor.    she is coming to see me next wednesday.     and will fill out the necessary form for me.     i know,in my heart  i bloody  deserve  this allowance,for years  i have been in pain.   i just never knew  the benefit was there        now,i  think   well  why not  me??     many more get it   some  not as bad as me.       we will see.   

whatever happens,if any of you want to mail me at any time,please do so.           been my home for  nearly 5 years.   and will be for manymore.  whatever its faults,aol is the only isp i would use.why??  because my friends are  here.    take care jland.   i shall see you again .   mort.

Sunday, 28 September 2008

my name is morton.AND I AM AN ADDICT.!!

I can barely write these words. the shame of it.but the time has come for me to admit to you all my shameful secret.  I AM AN ADDICT.   it started  so innocently,a friend got me into it,at first  i wasn't really interested,then slowly,before i realised  it          i was hooked.      now,here  i sit     twitching  from  withdrawal symptoms.   how low  have i become?   so what is it   i hear  you ask?  cocaine?  heroin??  crack??   the demon drink?    maybe  pot  or ecstacy?   no   far,far  worse.  i   morton lake  have  become an  addict  of            facebook.     and  to be more precise    owned on  facebook.         hangs  head  in shame.         lol       now  i know a lot has been written about facebook,and  other social networking  sites,and  yes  there are a lot of rubbish  on there,  but  i have got hooked on owned,  basically  you  buy "friends "photos  and earn  "lunchmoney"  for doing  so.   think  stocks and shares with a touch of poker  thrown in.   the secret is to know when to stop buying them back  lol.   and  before anyone says anything        i know a lot of jland  already are on facebook,and  its  sister site  my yearbook.  i got 3 as friends.   any one else  reading this  happens to be members,add me  lol.         so there you have  it        my shameful secret is out.    

actually  the break from writng this journal has done  me        and you    lol     a lot of good,i was finding it hard to write entries,writers   hopefully i am back  for good.   but if i am away for any length of time,   at least now  you know  where  i am  lol.  wonder  if that pic sold  i just bo..........  oops  sorry   .ahem  

now, whats been happening?   mum  has had a lot of pain with the arthritis,and as i said  getting very forgetful,but  at the moment  seems pretty much ok.  got chiropodists tomorrow,so hopefully  her feet  will be easier  for her afterwards.  my MS?  ah,now  that  im afraid  is not so good.  i had a fall last week which has left me feeling  very sore.  i was in the garden,just planted a hardy fuschia out that had been in a pot all summer,trod it in,  came over dizzy,went backwards      so i automatically  stepped back   and..................fell straight over  the bloody water feature behind  me.   went down with a crash too.        that hurt.   swallowing bad at the moment,speech a bit slurred,legs hurt,ankle is  still swollen although the anti inflammatories  do help.   still going though  lol.   

i finally had an answer about the carers grant i had applied for. 2 social workers came last week to see mum an me.  ( im pretty sure they travel as pairs for moral support  lol )  my assessment officer is a new lady as the one i saw last year  is away on maternity leave,    and  she  was  quick to tell me          of course i am entitled to a carers grant.  they rang me the week before to make an appointment to come and see us.   the other lady is mums new social worker.she came to assess mums  needs.        although   quite  what she thought had altered  i am not sure?   and         i  did notice        that she is the  4th i have seen in a short space of time.  fast turnover in that job.  i do feel sorry for them actually.  it must be a hopeless task for them sometimes.

to cut a long story short,i am going to get a carers grant  to enable me to go out  one day a week,using  bus  and train         driving  long distances  is painful for me,   and  i decided on days out,rather than  going away  because  i dont think  mum is  too good  at me being away from her for any length of time,so i thought,a day out,once a week  will get her used to me being away          and  maybe next year  i can get away  for a week or so.        her social worker is arranging for a carer to come in to give her a sandwich  and cup of tea for lunch,also  crossroads carers will come for 3 hours  in the afternoon to sit with her,  this arrangement will be ongoing,  i am just waiting for  the cheque,and confirmation  when this can start.         to be able  just  to get to Norwich  for the day,look round the castle museum,cathedral   etc.        that  will do  for me  for now.   and wont be too stressful for mum either.  she knows i will be home around  5ish     and seems ok with the idea.

tracey has been on holiday for the last 2 weeks,so we have been getting up a bit later,she is back with us friday,i didnt want another carer in her place,as before when tracey had a holiday   her firm  wanted  mum to  keep having  different carers in each day, they always seem to be short staffed   so  we said dont bother. 

the  flowers  in the pots and baskets have all been dumped,and  i have winter flowering pansies in them in their place.    £3 for 20 at tescos,not a bad price,but the weather  turned warm just after i put them in  (at last  lol )  and they aren't doing all that well. i will post pics  later.      as for the tomatoes   they are  pulled up and dumped.  i can safely say  they were the  worse i have ever grown          tasteless,tough,not very nice at all. 

So,there  we are.  i think  i shall be with you again  as normal,but  i  dont promise  to read quite as many journals as i was  doing.   what with  facebook,and  poker,( i am playing a lot more than i did,and have joined a private league on AOL games,anyone  interested  in  good  poker,free to join  and  of course  play,i cant afford to play  for cash  lol,with  prizes  that  can be won  for no fee,lovely people to play with,get in touch and  i will mail details.)  jland   sometimes  gets slightly ignored by me.      but  i  do read  your journals.  i  am always  here  if anyone  wants  me,  i  do still care about you all. thanks for all your kind mails and comments,take care all.             

Thursday, 11 September 2008

memories of 7 years ago

it is said everyone remembers what they were doing when President Kennedy was shot,when the news of Diana,Princess of Wales was killed,   and    9-11.   the most awful terrorist attrocity any of us could ever imagine.     Well  it's true in my case.       Kennedy,i was a schoolboy,just about to have tea,when the news came on tv.     Diana,i switched the radio on  that sunday morning to hear the local news.       as for 7 years ago,i had just got home from the hospital,i had been for a MRI scan on my neck,back,and brain,the second i had had,trying to determine the cause of the lack of sensation in my hands,       well    7  years  on,  and with MS  diagnosed   i now  know.

I had just got home,mum was not so bad then,she was still reasonably mobile,i was in not such pain.  i had driven back from hospital,just made a cup of tea  and was eating a sandwich  when         NEWS FLASH,   the twin towers  had been hit by an aircraft, dreadful accident,       as  mum and i watched        the second plane hit,and  we realised  this was no accident.      something  evil   had  just  happened.    and  the world  was never going to be the same again.      Here in the UK  we have had our share of terrorist attacks,Lockerbie,the IRA bomb attacks,  so many we  had  almost forgotten  them all.   9-11 was different.       not just  the sheer scale of the attacks,the awful loss of life,the sheer horror  of it all,   these attacks were carried out  by extremists  willing  and eager  to die in the process. the world had entered a new phase of terror.   one which  we still fear today,7 years on. the result  of these attacks? War in  Afghanistan ,and Iraq followed.  making  no comment  on either         this  is not the place,i am not qualified.  

I took 2 minutes  today.   stood in silence,remembering  where  i was  7  years ago today.  MAY THERE NEVER BE ANOTHER 9-11,EVER AGAIN.

 can i just say thanks       to everyone who commented,emailed and IMd me  after i had posted i was going to be away from journals.        you are all wonderful.    i cried.     i really did.       thankyou all.       there is a reason i was going.  that reason    is  there is someone who reads my journal,also visits mum sometimes.   and i was scared  she would say something to mum about  my MS,or about anything i have written about  mum.i did consider going private,but really didn't want to do that.      anyway,i had a long talk with this person yesterday,explained my fears,and  she has promised never to repeat to mum anything she reads  here.       my mum  is getting  very forgetful.     and  that is all i want to say for now.       just  one more worry  though.       I went to Drs.this morning,and he looked at  my ankle,which is swollen        and  very painful.   driving  is  so difficult,some days i darent try.  he says  i am walking  on the side of my foot to try and ease the pain in my ankle  and am making  my heel and tendons in the foot inflamed.  he gave me anti-inflammatories  which i am taking 2 a day.hopefully these will help.        i do know,mums volunteer visitor came today at 2 to see her,i made her a cuppa,as it was raining and i wasn't feeling well i went to bed,and went out like a light for 2 hours.      bit stiff and  maybe they will help.    i  really hope so.take care all

Wednesday, 10 September 2008







I was going to write a small tribute here,instead may i please ask you to check out jeanettes moving entry on her journal     Jeannette's Jottings    who has done a far more lovelier tribute than i could ever do.    GOD BLESS AMERICA.             take care all

Monday, 8 September 2008

i may be gone some time

there are  things  i want to put down in here.   but  i dont know  how to start.  all i know  is  i may be gone from this journal for a while. MS  seems to be winning  the fight,all i know is pain,ankle so bad i cant drive at the moment,even with a support.   got 2 social workers coming next week,see if i can get any respite.  but  mum is not well.       all i am going to say,because  i  cant bring myself to write any more about  it.      it is getting  harder  for  me to find anything positive to write about,and  i  really dont want pity  thanks.        i shall  still be reading some journals,but forgive me if i dont comment on yours.     this journal is one year old next month         i hope to be able to post a more positive entry  before then.        thanks  for all you comments.      take care all 

Sunday, 31 August 2008

what about,mums gout??? and wheres me profile gone?

what  with  my  own misery  just  lately, pain in  my  ankle  is  so much worse  i  now wear an ankle support, and  editors  choice,etc.i  forgot  to write about the person  this  journal  is  really  about,well  a  lot  of  it anyway.  my  mum.   it  wasn't until someone asked  me how she was  i realised  i hadn't updated  on her  gout  lately.  and  there  is a very  good  reason.   IT'S GONE.   ( hope this  desk is wood  because i am touching  it as i write  that.)    well,just  about  anyway.   ever  since  the last  time she went to the chiropodists  and  saw  that  male  chiropodists  her  feet  have  been  so much  easier.  the  uric acid  crystals  have all but disappeared,and  she  is  much happier  for  it.    If  only  the  arthritis  in her  knees   would  do the same.    she  really  is  suffering  with  them.    but  small mercies  anyway.      least  she  can  get about  a  little  bit  easier.  tracy  still comes,the  fact  she  only  comes  now  for  15  minutes  seems  to have  been  forgotten,as  tracy  gets  here  earlier  to compensate   lol.   she still  the  same  tracy.     no comment   lol.   mum  likes  her,and  they  get  on   well.   that  is  worth more  than  anything.  i am finding  driving  so painful  my  right ankle  gets  all  the  work  when i drive,but  this  support  does  help.       just  enough. and  of  course  i  rested  it all  yesterday.   coughs.      ermmmm   ok,  i  did  a  little  bit  of  gardening.    strimmed,cut  hedge,edged  grass            shuts  up.           look,it  needed  doing,and it was  a lovely  day.and  it  took  me  6  hours.   but  i  do  rest  every  few  minutes.  i  have  to.but  if  i give  up        at  least  trying        to  do things  normally,i  may as well give up altogether.        not likely anytime soon.        so   don't scold me lucy  lol

Now,some of you may have  noticed  that  our profiles don't seem  to be  on view at  the moment.     not  noticed??  try  it.   see  someone on your  buddy  list??   ok      lets  click  on  their  name,click  buddy  info  and  read  their  says  system error      please  try  later.    and  has  for  past  few days.      so?  well,i use chatrooms,and  its  nice  to see  who people are,   also  though  if  someone  leaves a comment  on your  journal,and  you don't  know them   its  good  if they  have a profile.  at  least  you know  if  they  male,female,etc.       my  profile  is  quite  long.   ( romantic    one  dear  lady  called  it,load  of  bull**** some  more  sensible  people   and  contains  a  lot  of  pictures.  over 100.       so  i went  to a lot of time and  trouble  to create  it.       and  no-one  can view  it.         why??        so  today  i went  on  aol noticeboards,they can be found  in the chat and community  section  on quick start.      sure enough  someone had  asked the same question i was going to.  why can't i view profiles???  the  answer  can  be  found  in  the following  link   AIM Profiles - Changes Are Coming to Your Profile Experience!    snappy  little  title.     basically,your  AIM  profile,which  was  AOL  member  profile,is  going  to  be replaced  by   Bebo  profiles.   Bebo  is a social  networking  site         now  owned  by  AOL.    i  shant  bother  writing  about  it,please  look  yourselves.          the  bit  i find  annoying  is,  if  we  want  to  keep our  profiles  we  must  move  them to  bebo.or  they  will vanish.  on  september  15th         now  i  have had  no  details  of  this.      no  emails  from  AOL.  nothing.  so,  i  have  signed  up  to  go  to  bebo as  they  ask,apparently  my profile  will now  be  uploaded automatically.     but  AOL   should at  least  tell us they are  doing  this        and  soon,surely?      in the  meantime    if  you  wish  to view a members  profile,in the long search box  along  the top of  your  screen  type       followed  by the  screenname          if  US   aol   it  is         hope  this  is  of  interest.    please  make  sure  your  profiles  arent  lost  to  the  ether.

september  tomorrow,soon  autumn will be  here,and  we have  had  such  a bad  summer.   let's hope  we get  a nice september  and  make  the most  of  it.    take care all

Saturday, 30 August 2008

next week is this week

well,after  all the rush getting things  sorted yesterday i thought i would  post  the entry  i ws going to write  next  week. clear??  good  lol        it  was   rather a surprise to find my entry  used  yesterday,and  caught me completely unawares.   just  want  to say  a couple  of  things about  it.  

to be asked if  i would like to be guest editor  was a great honour  to me, 10 months  journalling,part  timer  too  lol    it  was a  lovely surprise.     you  see,i have several different "lifes" on AOL,   jland  is  one  part,i  talk to my  friends  on IM every night,i  use  chatrooms         well 50s  romance  is  the  main one  i use,i  play  poker every  night,ive  just  joined  a league,nice  people   good,not  for  and   email         so  journals  tend  to get rather neglected.  and  i feel a bit guilty.  i have  over  50 on  my  favourite  sites   saved now,i tend to try  and  read  a  few every  night,i  get  alerts  for around  15  or so,and  those  i do  read  when they  are  posted,but  some  i  hardly  get  round to reading  for ages.      even  the  ones  i picked  i dont  always  read  when  they posted,  but  i  do try  and  keep  up.this  made  it  so hard  for  me  to  pick  my  favourite  ones.          and  if i am being  completely  honest,there  are others  i  may  have  picked as well.but  3  are  private,and  1  is  off aol  at  the  moment.           not  an easy  decision  to  make  by  the  way.           not  who  to  mention,that  bit  was  easy.          but  who  NOT  to  mention,that  was  the hard  bit. 

every  journal  is  different,we all have  our  story  to  tell,our  lives  to make public,our  thoughts  and  maybe  fears  to show.        and  when  i  read  your  journals,i  think     someone  went  to a lot of  effort  to write  this.  i know how  hard  it  is  sometimes  to  write something  someone  will  read           and  hopefully  enjoy,and  comment  on,and        come  back.   so  how  can  i  pick   6       7    whatever?? but  i had  to.   so        why  did  i pick  those  journals??  as  i said,  i  love  reading  those picked,and  in  one  or  two  cases  i think   should  be  read  by  more  people.         but  why  didnt  i pick  YOURS?         does  that  mean  i  dont  like  YOUR  journal??             NO.        if  i have  ever  commented  on  your  journal  it  means  i have  read   it,and  liked it  enough  to comment  on.           i  had  to make a choice.      personally  i think every journal  deserves to  be picked.         

i enjoy  wriying  this  lournal.          it  now  means  a  lot  to  me.         jland  means  a lot  to  me.          thanks  for  making  this  very  tired  carer        welcome.       every  commment  is   appreciated.                take  care all

Friday, 29 August 2008

guest editor me??? huh????

well         i am your guest editor of the week.    on  AOL Journals: Magic Smoke.   and  i have  written an entry  for same.         except.       i was told  it  was  NEXT  week  lol    so   as i only  just  read  my  mail,   and  as  i have  had  problems  with  pc       it caught  me unawares.       i had  the entry  written all ready for  next  week  and  posted on the guest  editors  staging journal,for some reason  it  was  used  today  instead  of next  week.        i  shall try and  let  all my  choices  kmow  as  soon as  i can,if  they  havent  read  magic smoke  already.          thankyou  for the honour                take  care all  mort        DONT  PANIC        LOL

Monday, 25 August 2008

disgrantled carer

you may remember i wrote a few weeks back i was applying  to get away for a few days sometime. i wrote a long letter  to  my  carers assessment social  worker (casw in future,its bit of mouthfull ) asking if it was possible to get any  help towards a break,financial  help that is.when i had my assessment  earlier in year,which  as  my early  entries  told i had  waited  for,for  4  months,the  casw promised  me several things.  mum  would get a voluntary visitor,    that  took  3  months.        yes C  comes  now,and i am grateful to her.             but  it took ages  to get  set  up.        i was promised  help to fill in forms,    i had  a letter  from the person concerned,he was busy  but would be in touch.  never  heard a word.   as  i  already  have said  i  had a spell of self denial  and  never did anything  about  it  until the other  week.       and  that  was   because of my  MS nurse  giving  me  different  organisation  to go to.       never  heard a word  from  other.        i was promised  help from carers  organisations,and  yes  i am now  registered, never  had  to use  them yet         but  they are there.         and      carers  grant.      casw told me  there is a grant carers can apply for every year,up to £200     for  help   with things  like  breaks,doing  hobbies  etc.       i  asked  for  help  towards a new  bed for  mum  as hers  was  broken,and  it was making my  job  hard  to make  it.        i  got £150           nowhere  near  enough  for a new  bed.   so  i  repaired  her  old one,and  we  bought  a  nice   thick  new  mattress  for her  with  the  money.     cost  £170              but  mum is  comfortable.         now  she        casw        told  me  this  grant  is paid  every  year ,  just  apply,say what  you  want  the money  for,runs  from april  to april.    so  thats what  i had asked  for  my  break.   carers  grant  to enable  me to get away  for  3  days.          hadnt  heard a word  until wednesday.

i had gone to doctors,got  home,mum said         social services  rang,  will ring you later  this  afternoon.        never  did.        next  morning  i went  up shop to get  papers,came  home        they  rang  again  said  mum               will ring  you  lunch time.        never  did. finally  she rang me friday.     a  new social worker  i have  never  met  before,  asked  me how  things  were,   and  when did i want  to  go away?  promising  i thought.      mid october  i  said.       ok  she  said,i can arrange  cover for your mum,extra carers  to get  her  food etc.          blah,blah.        no word about  money.       then  she said,oh  i am reading  your  letter,   you wish  to know  if there is any  financial  help.well  there  is  this charity  you could apply  to,i  will send  details,       ermmmm    just   sec.i  said          i  applied  for  carers grant,         oh  she  said,you have  to  get  in touch  with  work and  pensions          carers  allowance  is nothing  to do   with  norfolk county council      now.................   whoah,   i  cant  GET  carers  allowance,  the  benefit  i am on  i cant  get  it.        i applied   for  carers  GRANT.         i  explained  it all to  her.         and  she had never heard of  it.         said        maybe  it was a one off?   no        i was told  every  year.            maybe  it  was  a  social  grant,they  have to be  repaid  but....................NO,ITS A CARERS  GRANT.       long  and  short,  i  had  a  small bit  of  paper  come, with  this charitys address on  and phone  number   to  apply  to see if i can get any help from them,   she  will look into  carers  grant,but  couldnt  find  anything  on her  computer  about  it.         goodbye  mr  lake.       

i went  on the website  for carers.        and  i cant  find  anything  about  the grant  either.   still got  the slip  that came  with the cheque,and  sent  it  to the social  worker,but it does  look like        thanks  to cuts  in social security  funding,    carers  grant  has  gone.          along  with any  hope i had  of getting  away.        i havent  got  money to  waste  on taking a  holiday.    i only  applied  because  i thought  the  grant  was available.     working  on  what you  never  have  you  never miss,i  guess  i am not  really  too surprised.          but  i  am  just  one  carer.       there  are  thousands  in  the  country.           and  for  some,    that  grant,   to  be able  to  go away  for  a  little  break          is   a  lifeline.           i  shall apply  to  the charity,  but        i  am unpaid,  i  get  little  help,        surely  more  could  be   done  to  help  the  helpers?   we  save this  country  tens of thousands  of pounds,by providing  care  that  otherwise  would  have to  be funded for.             a  caring  society??         take care all.        many,many  thanks  for all the lovely  comments and emails  i got  over  the  MS  entry.    mort

Sunday, 17 August 2008

a grave mistake part 2 the MS bit lol

MS   2 simple initials,   stands for multiple  sclerosis       basically,wont  bore  you with details   it  means many lesions         or  scars.   it is a disease  of the central nervous  system where  the bodies own immune system turns on itself,stripping the myelin off  the nerves         (think of  myelin as the insulation,the nerves as the bare  cable  as in an iron or kettles  flex say. )  and  causing  "short circuits" in the body.  these  short circuits  are  the cause of  pain,loss of sensation,all sorts  of unpleasant  effects.   depending  on the number  of  lesions           and  where they are.   at  the last scan 2 years ago  i had  4 in my brain,5 on my spinal chord           something  like  that.   was  in   a  daze  when i was told.   doesn't  matter,  pretty  sure  theres  one or 2 more  now.

lets  just  clear up one or two misconceptions.   YOU DO NOT DIE FROM MS.  and  before  my  lovely  friend  lucy, day-to-day-life-by-Lucille4364 , starts screaming  at  me,let  me just explain.  her  beloved  and much missed  son  alan   died  tragically   in his early  40s     from  complications  caused  by  MS.       he  had a really aggressive  form           and  sadly   it  killed  him. please visit  her journal  and  read  her moving  tribute  to  him,and  how  it affected him.      makes  sad  reading.      and  lucy,   you have  been more of a help to me  than you will ever  know  in  my  coping  with  it.but noteveryone will go on to  get  that bad.

1 in 4 people end up in a wheelchair,or paralised in bed (like poor Emma,Wendys  21 year old daughter,bless her.i asked  jland to pray for her,as she had a bad  chest infection a while ago.she  got  over  it.  one  day  sadly  she  will not. )         but  that  means   3  in 4 people  will  not.  many  people  have  MS,and  never  even realise  it.its not found until after they  die and there is a post mortem.    several  different  types,if you really are interested   please visit  the MS societys  website          the  link is on my sidebar.   EVERY MS SUFFERER  IS DIFFERENT.     How i am now,doesn't  mean its  how i will be  next  year,or  even  next  week.  i  could  go  downhill very  quickly,or,like  my next door neighbour,remain  pretty  mobile  for many  years.   WE ALL SUFFER IN DIFFERENT WAYS.   now,  i am a very  private  person,so  some things  i have'nt  told before,except  in  my  "black"journal.       the  private  one  i keep to  scream in .   its  not for public viewing.   not  even  in  my  name.       now  i am going  to  tell it  all.   

MY SYMPTOMS.    vary  from  week to week,these  are  what  i  have  had/have now/never bloody  want again.    

loss of feeling  in my  hands and  fingers,at  first it was  just  the right   now  its  both.   think  pins and  needles,  or  better        imagine plunging  your  hands  into stinging nettles           that  burning sensation??   i have  that  all the time.

spasticity.    it  means   a  jerking, uncontrolled  spasmodic  "twitch"    i  get  it in  legs,and  left  shoulder.  i  have woken  nearly  screaming  in agony.           Pain in  my  legs,  a dull "ache"   that  wont  go away.           my  right  ankle  is  bad.  very      also  the  left  but  not  so bad.  MS  causes  ankles  to  swell              a  lot of  my pain  is  also due to arthritis  in them as well.   balance  problems,  i  do come  over  dizzy  often and have  had  3  falls.   im sure  i told  you lucy.   lol   sorry   but   some things  were  too painful.

optical  neuritis.      please god never again.    a  sharp  stabbing  pain  from  "behind" the eyeball.    thankfully  it  cleared  up  fast.            "the  fuzzies"     my term for it.  actually  it  was  a friends  in  chatrooms  term  for  it     she  has it as well.         i  nicked it  sylv  lol.          i sit here  sometimes,and i cant  think.   i  cant type  as  i cant seem  to  know  where  the letters  are,       usually  if  im tired.        it  passes but  its  scary. wonder  why  i dont  post  as  often as i used  to??    these  new  tablets  do help  though.

incontinence.         hide  that  one  up,no-one  may notice,        it  has  happened  3  times,with MS  you  can lose  control of  your  bladder         that  spray  i used  last  week  will stop  that          bit  too well  lol     its   very  embarassing.         also  you  really  cant   just  wait  to  go to the toilet,if you want  to  go   you  GOT  to go,no choice.

impotence.      well,  lets just say       "  fings aint  what  they  used to  be "     and  leave it at  that.   and  yes         viagra  will help.     

swallowing  problems.   sometimes  food,tablets   etc.get stuck,the nerves  in my throat  that control  the muscles   dont  always  work properly.          speech problems.   not  bad but i do slur  my words  if  i talk a lot   or i am tired.      depression.       ya think?  lol   

so         sounds  horrendous doesnt  it??  there  i  lay,  twitching,screaming,peeing,      except  i  am here  typing  this journal.  yes  my  ankle  hurts,yes  my  legs  ache,yes  my hands  are  numb               and  me  bloody  back is  killing  me.            but  i can   walk,ok  i do use a walking  stick.   (jaynee  hun  if  you  reading  this,can i have  ya pink one??? lol)        i  can  care  for  my  mum  still,ok   sometimes  the  house  doesnt  always  get hoovered/dusted   etc.  but  who  cares?  its  reasonably  clean.  i  stillcook,just  being  very  careful  how  i  hold  hot  tins.        i  still can drive,  if  i feel  very bad,we  don't  go out in car.       common sense.      i  still do my garden.      ON MY GOOD DAYS.         and  thats  the  thing.       there  are  days  i  really  cant  do  anything  except  feel sorry for myself.          so  now,i dont.   mum understands now  better,  and  we  get along  from  day  to  day           we  help each  other.

so,  anyone  who  has  got  MS,or just  diagnosed  with  it,please      don't  despair.   hopefully   you  will have a long  and  useful  life.   just  take things easy,   and  don't  do what  i did for  these   past  7  months or so.    pretend  its not  there            it  is.   but  it can  be  tamed.           at  least         i am going  to have a damn good try.    take care  all           and  thanks  for all the comments  on my editors  choice entry.   even if  2  new  readers  did assume  i was  female.       lol          you  all help,more than you can realise               mort  

a grave mistake part one

amazonian rain forest maybe???

whats that lurking  behind all those weeds???

this is how i found  my dads  and  granddads  graves  yesterday.  Hindolvestone church yard and  the graves have  featured  before in my journal,   but this time  i was horrified.  i honestly had no idea where my grandparents graves  were at first.  dads was  bad enough.  now,ok  it is my fault you can say,i haven't been to do them in ages,mainly  because i  have to load  the mower into car,drive 17 miles  unload,cut graves       repeat. and  i  really havent felt well enough to do them.  i didn't yesterday,my ankle is killing  me,but  i loaded car,had got  some nice flowers  i had bought,  and  went  to hindol to do them.  i was there  nearly  2 bloody hours.   absolutely exhausted,and  seething.  i keep cutting 4 more graves  besides   my families,1 of which is next  to dads,  the family  of that  persons  grave know i am ill.    and  would have  seen the state  of my dads  grave,       so,dont  you think  that  just  maybe,they could have  cut  it for me when they cut  theres  last  week or whenever??  that  was  all neatly  cut.      oh  no.   so,i am afraid  i  didnt  cut the other ones i normally  do.   i  was  too tired.     maybe  its  me,but  i  was  rather  annoyed.

anyway,got home,had  quick  sandwich,and  straight  out  into  garden.       yes,full moon this  week,lol.   i  had  to take down baskets  and  bags.  they have flowered themselves  out.  i  still have  3  baskets and 4 wall baskets  with  just  the fuschias left in them.  all the busy lizzies and petunias  were removed.  and  they still look good. sometime i will post a pic.    i also,   as  i  was  doing  it,cleaned the boarder  up,removed all the dead bedding,and  planted  4  geraniums  i had  in pots.   looks  clean and  tidy.  should  do,i  took 5  barrowloads of rubbish  off.      collapsed  in chair  after  i can tell you.

today,  i  leapt  out  of bed  with  a song  in  my.......................ok   i  cant  move  lol.   who said  serves  you right  mort??    you  quite right  it does.    my  ankle  is  trying  to  turn into a football,my  legs  ache,i didnt  sleep  too good,as i was in  pain.    so  why did i do it???   bear  in mind  i  did  cook a full roast  lunch  today,but  thats  all i have  done,i went to bed after  lunch.    slept  nearly 3 hours.   so   why??   why  do it all at  once??

the trouble  with  MS,is  its such a deceptive  disease.  when  in remittance,and  i am feeling  reasonably ok  i  can  get  on and  do  stuff,  bearing  in mind  i have  3  crushed  discs  in my lower  back,  and  had  a discectomy  15  years  ago,  so  pain  is  something  i live  with  every  day.      but.       and  this  is  where  i  went  wrong  back in january,  i  thought  MS  was  just  another  ache,another pain,one i can ignore,like  i can  mostly  with my  back.   take  things  easy,i will be ok.   no  worries .   what  i hadnt  realised        not  until a few  weeks ago  is,MS  moves  the goal posts.  just  as you think         i  can  cope  with  this,it  changes.hits  you with something  else.

I really havent  said  too much  before now  about  how  it affects  me.   oh,you know  i  have  pain,swallowing  troubles    bad  ankle.         well,i  had  called  this journal  "caring and sharing"         because  its  what  i do,  i  care  for  mum  24/7/365.   it  was  supposed  to be about my  life  caring  for  her,  and  i  thought         well,its  turning  into  "mortys  got   MS"   so  i deliberately  have  tried  to  keep  a  lot  back.   i  had  a  good  moan  in an earlier   posting.   i  didnt  want  to  come  over  as  being  "brave"  in  caring  for  mum  whilst  having   MS.    then  a  comment  from  guido  made  me  stop and  think,maybe  i should    speak  more  of  the  MS,     because  maybe,out  there  in  jland    there  is someone  reading  this,who has  just  been diagnosed,or  who  has  MS  and  isnt  coping  well.        so,  bear  with  me  for  a  while. lets  just  explain  what   this  vile  disease  is,how  it  affects  me,and  where  i am going  from here.  i shall post  this  now,part 2  will follow shortly.   please  bear  with  me. take care all