I'm twenty years of age,
Used to think I'd be somewhere by this stage,
But I have a mental illness called, OCD,
And it's taken a big part of my life from me
I've buried my ambitions deep in my soul,
So many may think that my life has no goal,
But I know if I pursued them I'd only find,
That OCD would take over and consume my mind,
In a survey, my full time occupation would be,
Struggling through each day, only focussing on me,
Inviting me out is something you shouldn't do,
Because the outcome will be a disappointment for you
To be more precise, and to show that I care,
I'll tell you what happens when the outing day's here,
I spend hours getting ready, but when I do something wrong,
It must be re-done 'til my anxiety has gone
What could you do so wrong? You might ask,
Well just brushing my hair can be an hour long task,
Because my every movement is controlled by "The Voice",
It shows me no mercy, no reasoning, nor choice
I've become mistrusting of others, so when they are kind,
I feel a hidden agenda must be in mind,
Who would take any interest in me?
I don't deserve it, I'm unworthy
I've taken to chatting to old friends online,
Jealousy consumes me their lives are not mine,
Pursuing their dreams, countless nights out of fun,
Then there's me, who for months cannot think of one
For the truth is I live like a prisoner in my home,
Then only I can judge me if I'm all alone,
I feel I've failed life, so deserve this fate,
I'm on the road to recovery, but a cure I await.
I want to be honest, to tell everyone I'm ill,
But what would they think of me? What would they feel?
"Sorry to hear that". You'll be better soon".
Might be their kind words, but would they think "What a loon".?
But I wouldn't blame them if they didn't understand,
For I was the same before life dealt me this hand,
I'm ashamed and embarrassed by what I've become,
A fully grown woman that depends on her Mum
I've lost my independence, I rely on others to guide me,
For a small task for you, I feel self accomplishment can never be,
My feelings are anger, guilt and despair,
For taking others time, but still getting nowhere
So now when you look at me, what do you see?
A strange, quiet girl, hiding from society?
Well if you do, then you are wrong,
I'm battling a mental illness, but one day I'll be strong
by ALLI FIRMAGE, 2007,STIFFKEY,NORFOLK,UK
That was written by someone who knows what it is to be in the grip of OCD,obsessive-compulsive disorder. imagine having to do,and redo,the same task,over and over again,because it just isnt "right".imagine washing your hands,over,and over,and over.until they are red raw and bleeding.imagine cleaning your house from top to bottom,every single day,and sometimes,2,3,times a day if some unsuspecting visitor has sat on a chair you just cleaned.imagine.
Now,imagine a pretty young lady,late teens,early 20s,going out for the night.and having to take as long as 6 hours to do it.well,that is the reality that Alli has to face,each time she wants to go somewhere.Her and so many more.my lovely friend Debs,all those years ago,i went to see her one day,and she was at the sink,washing her hands,she had been bleaching the worktops.with no gloves.and her hands were bleeding.and she would do that up to 5 times a day.
Alli is slowly improving,as she says,she can have some control over how she does things now,she posted the poem today on Facebook,i saw it,i cried. and i am asking you,my readers,if you could copy that poem,and perhaps post it on your blog,Facebook,whatever social networking site you use,whatever you can do.please give credit to alli and mention her name.it deserves to be read by a far wider audience than just her friend list.will you do that if you can please???
Why am I posting it on my blog?? because there is a stigma attached to OCD,it is badly misunderstood,people think it is all "in the mind" that the sufferer is not trying,that he or she should "pull themselves together,snap out of it",that they cannot be right in the head.(my personal all time favourite,that one,very caring that is ).and because i also have it.oh,not bad.nowhere as bad as Alli.i can manage to keep it under control,and it is mainly having to do things in a certain order,etc.i can manage to break the cycle.but i KNOW what Alli goes through.and Debs,and so many more.like MS it is not understood,people think just because we look ok we are ok.ask Alli if she FEELS ok.or me.and then give thanks to whatever greater being you believe in,that YOU don't have it.or your son,daughter,whoever.
I believe it took a lot of courage for Alli to post that today on her home page on Facebook.it took guts.and she deserves our,YOUR,admiration and respect. and maybe,just maybe,it can help someone else out there in what i still call Jland.thankyou for reading,thankyou if you repost.take care all.mort. with many grateful thanks to Alli Firmage,and to all those who suffer from OCD.