Sunday, 1 June 2008

no title.just another entry

mums visitor saw her thursday,i went to wells and left them to chat,still doing that when i got home hour and half later.    great to see         and i thank C  from bottom of my heart,its given my mum someone to talk to.   friday  we went shopping,   bought some  more plants.   and  saturday  was  spent  putting them in        20 verbena,        fed all the baskets,watered  and  did the housework.   so  today,just  cooked  what  turned out  to be a colonel sanders  reject  chicken  for  lunch,tasteless and  rubbish  and  then  went    to  bed  after i had  done  dishes.   and  thats   pretty  much  me  up to date.

i have  just about  had enough  you know??  this  ankle is crippling  me, i have  doctors  at  3pm      to see him about this chest infection,  i  feel  very  down,and  im scared.   because  its  getting  harder  for  me to care  for  my  mum.  pushing her around  the supermarkets  friday       was  just about  all i could manage,   all i could  think of  was      please  god,let  me get home.  i'm  tired  due to lack of sleep,keep waking  up with  the spasticity back in my shoulder,causing  the arm to jump,  not  nice,  bloody ankle  throbbing, and  its  getting to me.

you will all say,well mort,don't do so much,rest,put your feet up.  so,  tell me        if i do that            just  who in hell will care  for  mum??     another  bloody useless carer  come in to get  her  food??   wash her         perfunctorily        and  pat  her  on the head  like you would a small child?  no,it has to be  me.  yeah,ok   i will take  any  more help  available,but  the ammount  offered  isn't  great.      you see,i  keep a lot  back.  the bits  you all read?       those  are  the easy  bits  to write about.  i may  moan  that  i don't feel well     that  i am in pain,         but  i don't  tell it all          not  on this  journal.  those  thoughts  are for  my other journal.  a  private  one i started  on  dec.22nd last year,day after  i was confirmed  with  MS,  and  that  tells a different story.   one  you will never  read,its  title  will remain  my secret.        why am i telling  you all this?  Zoe  got  me thinking,those  who read  her blog   will know  what  she  said      the kind  things  she  said about  me.      well,  i am glad  i could  help you  hun,  and it  made me realise  something.  we all need  someone  to talk to about  our  problems.   and  maybe  i should  share  a  bit more  with  jland.   but  you see,  i have always  tried  to keep  this a bit  light hearted,  i  don't  want  to lose  the readers i have  because i get  so dark.    but  i read  zoe's  last  entry            her  blog  is  domestic  chaos  by  way,never  know  how to add links   so  forgive  me if i dont.  and  she  has  been  brave  enough  to  show  how  she  is feeling.            so  if  she  can        so can i.       not often  mind.   this  will still be caring and  sharing,   just  sometimes           can i please  share a bit  more with you all??  if  anyone  doesn't want  to read  my  occasional   ( hopefully  rare! ) entry  of self pity           i will understand  ok??    only      i   can't always  be  optimistic.    sometimes            sometimes  i  need  to  have  a  damn  good  cry.   anyway     i'm  going  to bed       may  get  a  decent  nights  sleep,  had  a  good rest  today,  and  hopefully  will  feel better  tomorrow.   whatever  happens,  i will let  you all know..   and  yeah,maybe  a  bit  more  than  i do  know.    thanks  friends          take  care    oh and  many thanks for your prayers  for lyn,especially  to june,bless you all.  she  tells  me she is feeling a bit  better.  thanks  as always  jland        

12 comments:

lanurseprn said...

I wish you would tell us more about yourself Mort. I know it's hard to reveal a lot...and if you tell us the bad you think we will not read anymore. But, that's just NOT true! What are friends for?  I for one consider you a friend. I feel like I could tell you anything, even though we've never met. I would hope you would have the confidence that I would not go anywhere no matter what you write.
You are a good guy. Your Mum is lucky to have you. I know that is so hard to be a caregiver. I did it for my Mom when she was sick and it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Being a caregiver as you are is really one of the toughest things to do on the face of this Earth. I know this. I wish I were there to help you. I'm sorry I'm not.
You've lost your freedoms to an extent. Between taking care of your Mum, and your illness, you've lost the freedom to be just Mort for awhile.  I'm sorry for that.
But, don't ever feel as if you have to hold back to me, ok? I'm not going anywhere.
Lots of love to you, Pam xoxox

jjdolfin9 said...

Mort, J-Land loves you and I don't think anyone would abandon you for telling how you feel.  We all have good days and bad days and you, my friend have some really bad days.  Please share them with us, your friends in J-Land.  I hope I can do the same when I need to.  You have so much on your shoulders with your mum and your own illness...I pray for both of you.
{{{{{HUGS}}}}} Joyce

sybilsybil45 said...

Dearest Mort,  I am SO GLAD that you have been able to offload just a little bit of yourself here early in the morning. I know...well I can't know exactly your situation...but I too get down a bit sometimes but can't write about it as my dear sister reads my journal and it would make her worry even more than she does !! so it just remains between me and the pillow ....Never mind today is another day. I did sleep better last night thank goodness. I did though get up and take extra pills as the ones that have been so good up till now don't seem to work all night now..  Today should be a nice one as my friend Pam will be over from Bath and another friend with her. Mary will go and get rolls and some nice ham from the butchers and we will have ham rolls for lunch my Sister made an extra apple crumble for us yesterday so we will have that as well. (The dinner she sent down has gone to Peter my good neighbour !!)  I am so lucky to have such a good sister well two of them really but the other one is not quite the same as Sarah..Keep you chin up.. God Bless, Love  Sybil x

pamal3 said...

omg my fav other man. I just wish i was there as I would give you the biggest hug ever. I kinda guessed you were keeping a lot back. I will always read your entries no matter how dark. It is about you, and i think the world of you. I think you are a very special man. A one off. I am always here for you no matter what. I won't tell you to put your feet up, not today. I wish i could take away your pain. I think of you at the strangest times of the day and night!! If your ears burn then It Is most definately my fault! ;-) Mort.... You rock. I am privelleged to know you and have you as my friend. Love Pam xx

jhorky said...

Mort, we are all your friends and what are friends for.  They are to be there for each other. I am going to say one more thing. and let it go for now since we IM'd , N+My son used to saY THANK GOD HE NEVER MARRIED AND HAD KIDS.  You have the additional worry of what will happen if you can not take care of your mum.  Let's hope it does not come to that, but if it does something will be worked out.  All of J-land is behind you 100% and do not forget that.    Lucy

jeadie05 said...

Please dont think we would stop reading if you were to tell it as it is ,We realise you have a mamoth task ,and are in total admiration ,and know you arent looking for admiration ,just some understanding of how it is for you ,believe me we are your friends ,...love to you both ...love Jan xx

rdautumnsage said...

My dear friend, whatever you write...I promise to be here to listen. It's only human to have days where the world just irks the life out of us and we want to scream. I know I have more than my share of them and you must as well. A friend is someone who walks in when the rest of the world walks out. In other words you won't lose readers for telling us how it really is. It makes you real, human to have those days just like the rest of us. (Hugs) Indigo

jacsher said...

One thing I have learned Mort,  we cannot know how one feels unless we have actually walked in their shoes.  We can say I would do this or that, but we don't know.  You don't need anyone's blessings of course, you handle it the best way you see how.  Take care and you do have lots of folks cheering for you, if you need a cheering squad....  Hang in there,  I know you will... The best to you and MUM.  Jack....

ally123130585918 said...

Oh Mort you should know by now how special you have become to us ~ I enjoy reading the up's and down's in your life ~ and I know how hard it must be for you to cope at times ~ but somehow you do manage to cope ~ doing far more than you should ~ whatever you decide to share with us is OK with me I'm not going anywhere ~ and I am always about if you need to talk ~ Ally x

mjgm1954 said...

Hey Mort , i have a private journal as well. writing is therapy for me. I dont have as much physical pain as you do but i have very deep emotional pain . when i write in my private journal i am wrestling with myself, i am putting it down for me to see and come to grips with. that i would not put my friends in the sad position of dealing with.  my public journal is just my way of keeping in touch with those i have grown to love in jland. they are my sunshine.by making the effort to be upbeat and happy i find that it becomes real and outweighs the pain and darkness. when you disclose to much of yourself it puts you in the position of worrying that you are approved. who needs that? you are a regular person not a serial murderer. who cares if you have your secrets? we all do and we all should! as long as our secrets arent a threat to anyone else?  lol
As for your pain? you better believe I am praying for you with all my might!  love, june

shrbrisc said...

congratulations on your caring award I hope you feel better soon
hugs
Sherry

jmoqueen said...

You need to write in your journal which will make you feel better.  At the end of the day this is your space, if people get upset by what you write then they don't need to read.  Don't take stuff like that personal and you do what you want Morton I will be here to read it no matter what xx

Jenny

http://journals.aol.co.uk/Jmoqueen/MyLife