mums visitor saw her thursday,i went to wells and left them to chat,still doing that when i got home hour and half later. great to see and i thank C from bottom of my heart,its given my mum someone to talk to. friday we went shopping, bought some more plants. and saturday was spent putting them in 20 verbena, fed all the baskets,watered and did the housework. so today,just cooked what turned out to be a colonel sanders reject chicken for lunch,tasteless and rubbish and then went to bed after i had done dishes. and thats pretty much me up to date.
i have just about had enough you know?? this ankle is crippling me, i have doctors at 3pm to see him about this chest infection, i feel very down,and im scared. because its getting harder for me to care for my mum. pushing her around the supermarkets friday was just about all i could manage, all i could think of was please god,let me get home. i'm tired due to lack of sleep,keep waking up with the spasticity back in my shoulder,causing the arm to jump, not nice, bloody ankle throbbing, and its getting to me.
you will all say,well mort,don't do so much,rest,put your feet up. so, tell me if i do that just who in hell will care for mum?? another bloody useless carer come in to get her food?? wash her perfunctorily and pat her on the head like you would a small child? no,it has to be me. yeah,ok i will take any more help available,but the ammount offered isn't great. you see,i keep a lot back. the bits you all read? those are the easy bits to write about. i may moan that i don't feel well that i am in pain, but i don't tell it all not on this journal. those thoughts are for my other journal. a private one i started on dec.22nd last year,day after i was confirmed with MS, and that tells a different story. one you will never read,its title will remain my secret. why am i telling you all this? Zoe got me thinking,those who read her blog will know what she said the kind things she said about me. well, i am glad i could help you hun, and it made me realise something. we all need someone to talk to about our problems. and maybe i should share a bit more with jland. but you see, i have always tried to keep this a bit light hearted, i don't want to lose the readers i have because i get so dark. but i read zoe's last entry her blog is domestic chaos by way,never know how to add links so forgive me if i dont. and she has been brave enough to show how she is feeling. so if she can so can i. not often mind. this will still be caring and sharing, just sometimes can i please share a bit more with you all?? if anyone doesn't want to read my occasional ( hopefully rare! ) entry of self pity i will understand ok?? only i can't always be optimistic. sometimes sometimes i need to have a damn good cry. anyway i'm going to bed may get a decent nights sleep, had a good rest today, and hopefully will feel better tomorrow. whatever happens, i will let you all know.. and yeah,maybe a bit more than i do know. thanks friends take care oh and many thanks for your prayers for lyn,especially to june,bless you all. she tells me she is feeling a bit better. thanks as always jland
12 comments:
I wish you would tell us more about yourself Mort. I know it's hard to reveal a lot...and if you tell us the bad you think we will not read anymore. But, that's just NOT true! What are friends for? I for one consider you a friend. I feel like I could tell you anything, even though we've never met. I would hope you would have the confidence that I would not go anywhere no matter what you write.
You are a good guy. Your Mum is lucky to have you. I know that is so hard to be a caregiver. I did it for my Mom when she was sick and it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Being a caregiver as you are is really one of the toughest things to do on the face of this Earth. I know this. I wish I were there to help you. I'm sorry I'm not.
You've lost your freedoms to an extent. Between taking care of your Mum, and your illness, you've lost the freedom to be just Mort for awhile. I'm sorry for that.
But, don't ever feel as if you have to hold back to me, ok? I'm not going anywhere.
Lots of love to you, Pam xoxox
Mort, J-Land loves you and I don't think anyone would abandon you for telling how you feel. We all have good days and bad days and you, my friend have some really bad days. Please share them with us, your friends in J-Land. I hope I can do the same when I need to. You have so much on your shoulders with your mum and your own illness...I pray for both of you.
{{{{{HUGS}}}}} Joyce
Dearest Mort, I am SO GLAD that you have been able to offload just a little bit of yourself here early in the morning. I know...well I can't know exactly your situation...but I too get down a bit sometimes but can't write about it as my dear sister reads my journal and it would make her worry even more than she does !! so it just remains between me and the pillow ....Never mind today is another day. I did sleep better last night thank goodness. I did though get up and take extra pills as the ones that have been so good up till now don't seem to work all night now.. Today should be a nice one as my friend Pam will be over from Bath and another friend with her. Mary will go and get rolls and some nice ham from the butchers and we will have ham rolls for lunch my Sister made an extra apple crumble for us yesterday so we will have that as well. (The dinner she sent down has gone to Peter my good neighbour !!) I am so lucky to have such a good sister well two of them really but the other one is not quite the same as Sarah..Keep you chin up.. God Bless, Love Sybil x
omg my fav other man. I just wish i was there as I would give you the biggest hug ever. I kinda guessed you were keeping a lot back. I will always read your entries no matter how dark. It is about you, and i think the world of you. I think you are a very special man. A one off. I am always here for you no matter what. I won't tell you to put your feet up, not today. I wish i could take away your pain. I think of you at the strangest times of the day and night!! If your ears burn then It Is most definately my fault! ;-) Mort.... You rock. I am privelleged to know you and have you as my friend. Love Pam xx
Mort, we are all your friends and what are friends for. They are to be there for each other. I am going to say one more thing. and let it go for now since we IM'd , N+My son used to saY THANK GOD HE NEVER MARRIED AND HAD KIDS. You have the additional worry of what will happen if you can not take care of your mum. Let's hope it does not come to that, but if it does something will be worked out. All of J-land is behind you 100% and do not forget that. Lucy
Please dont think we would stop reading if you were to tell it as it is ,We realise you have a mamoth task ,and are in total admiration ,and know you arent looking for admiration ,just some understanding of how it is for you ,believe me we are your friends ,...love to you both ...love Jan xx
My dear friend, whatever you write...I promise to be here to listen. It's only human to have days where the world just irks the life out of us and we want to scream. I know I have more than my share of them and you must as well. A friend is someone who walks in when the rest of the world walks out. In other words you won't lose readers for telling us how it really is. It makes you real, human to have those days just like the rest of us. (Hugs) Indigo
One thing I have learned Mort, we cannot know how one feels unless we have actually walked in their shoes. We can say I would do this or that, but we don't know. You don't need anyone's blessings of course, you handle it the best way you see how. Take care and you do have lots of folks cheering for you, if you need a cheering squad.... Hang in there, I know you will... The best to you and MUM. Jack....
Oh Mort you should know by now how special you have become to us ~ I enjoy reading the up's and down's in your life ~ and I know how hard it must be for you to cope at times ~ but somehow you do manage to cope ~ doing far more than you should ~ whatever you decide to share with us is OK with me I'm not going anywhere ~ and I am always about if you need to talk ~ Ally x
Hey Mort , i have a private journal as well. writing is therapy for me. I dont have as much physical pain as you do but i have very deep emotional pain . when i write in my private journal i am wrestling with myself, i am putting it down for me to see and come to grips with. that i would not put my friends in the sad position of dealing with. my public journal is just my way of keeping in touch with those i have grown to love in jland. they are my sunshine.by making the effort to be upbeat and happy i find that it becomes real and outweighs the pain and darkness. when you disclose to much of yourself it puts you in the position of worrying that you are approved. who needs that? you are a regular person not a serial murderer. who cares if you have your secrets? we all do and we all should! as long as our secrets arent a threat to anyone else? lol
As for your pain? you better believe I am praying for you with all my might! love, june
congratulations on your caring award I hope you feel better soon
hugs
Sherry
You need to write in your journal which will make you feel better. At the end of the day this is your space, if people get upset by what you write then they don't need to read. Don't take stuff like that personal and you do what you want Morton I will be here to read it no matter what xx
Jenny
http://journals.aol.co.uk/Jmoqueen/MyLife
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