i told about my other private journal a few entries back. the one i keep for those days i can't cope,and need to get it off my chest. well, i realised there was something missing. my friends comments. so, this is to set the record straight. once and for all. my MS, and how bad it sometimes really is.if you want to leave now, i will understand ok? back to normal next time. this is just me explaining to my friends.
i first got symptoms over 8 years ago, tingling in my hands,like when you are stung by nettles. at first i wasn't worried, then one day i tried to put a picture up,i couldnt hit the picture hook nail,kept missing. so i went to dr.M, at first he thought i had a trapped nerve, in the end i was sent to neurologist, and i have told what happened in earlier entries. so,last year,on december 21st i was diagnosed with MS. i have told you how my ankles swell, and the pain i get. well today was the worse i have EVER been in my life. pain in my legs nearly sent me mad. and spasticity is really bad in them. i cant keep them still. i'm still a carer though,so after mum had eaten breakfast i washed floors in kitchen and bathroom,and decided to clean lounge up a bit. not a lot. just tidy and dust. now my desk was full of junk, so i thought, nice easy job, sit on chair and clean up. and then i realised something.
i have had forms, and papers about different benefits i may be able to get. someone was supposed to be getting in touch with me to talk to me about helping me fill them in. i have never heard from them. but neither have i done anything about it. there were letters from the MS society. disability rights, council. loads of papers. and i realised something. i have been hiding them. in full view, but covered over with other stuff, under books. letter from linda my MS nurse. asking me to make an appointment. i never did. form for blue badge never filled in. and i got thinking. i came to the conclusion i have had a tiny, just a little, hardly noticeable breakdown. anything to do with the MS or being disabled has been ignored. oh, yes i talk about how my ankle is on here, how i got chest infection. but the important stuff, the forms, the appointments, those are swept under the carpet. and i think i know why. i dont want to be disabled. i hate being unable to cope. to not be able to walk over the marshes. so,if i ignore it maybe it will go away. except its not going to. and today i really have had to accept the truth, i have MS, and i cant pretend any more. i hate it. i hate waking every morning,in pain,knowing it will get worse as the day goes on. i hate not being active, even with my bad back i was able to walk ok, now every step hurts. and i cried. a lot. i think poor mum has been expecting it. anyway, after i had had a good wail, i sorted all the papers out. monday i am ringing linda,make an appointment to see her. perhaps i can keep on steroids, they did help. also going to ring up about help with filling in forms. think its about time.
so. if you was to ask me how i am right now? i would say,oh ok thanks, ankle bad,but doing ok. i always do. but i am not doing ok. not really. but i am still that carer. so i have to be ok.and who knows,maybe the next time you ask me maybe i really will feel a lot better. you think?? take care all