Monday, 30 June 2008
Saturday, 28 June 2008
i told about my other private journal a few entries back. the one i keep for those days i can't cope,and need to get it off my chest. well, i realised there was something missing. my friends comments. so, this is to set the record straight. once and for all. my MS, and how bad it sometimes really is.if you want to leave now, i will understand ok? back to normal next time. this is just me explaining to my friends.
i first got symptoms over 8 years ago, tingling in my hands,like when you are stung by nettles. at first i wasn't worried, then one day i tried to put a picture up,i couldnt hit the picture hook nail,kept missing. so i went to dr.M, at first he thought i had a trapped nerve, in the end i was sent to neurologist, and i have told what happened in earlier entries. so,last year,on december 21st i was diagnosed with MS. i have told you how my ankles swell, and the pain i get. well today was the worse i have EVER been in my life. pain in my legs nearly sent me mad. and spasticity is really bad in them. i cant keep them still. i'm still a carer though,so after mum had eaten breakfast i washed floors in kitchen and bathroom,and decided to clean lounge up a bit. not a lot. just tidy and dust. now my desk was full of junk, so i thought, nice easy job, sit on chair and clean up. and then i realised something.
i have had forms, and papers about different benefits i may be able to get. someone was supposed to be getting in touch with me to talk to me about helping me fill them in. i have never heard from them. but neither have i done anything about it. there were letters from the MS society. disability rights, council. loads of papers. and i realised something. i have been hiding them. in full view, but covered over with other stuff, under books. letter from linda my MS nurse. asking me to make an appointment. i never did. form for blue badge never filled in. and i got thinking. i came to the conclusion i have had a tiny, just a little, hardly noticeable breakdown. anything to do with the MS or being disabled has been ignored. oh, yes i talk about how my ankle is on here, how i got chest infection. but the important stuff, the forms, the appointments, those are swept under the carpet. and i think i know why. i dont want to be disabled. i hate being unable to cope. to not be able to walk over the marshes. so,if i ignore it maybe it will go away. except its not going to. and today i really have had to accept the truth, i have MS, and i cant pretend any more. i hate it. i hate waking every morning,in pain,knowing it will get worse as the day goes on. i hate not being active, even with my bad back i was able to walk ok, now every step hurts. and i cried. a lot. i think poor mum has been expecting it. anyway, after i had had a good wail, i sorted all the papers out. monday i am ringing linda,make an appointment to see her. perhaps i can keep on steroids, they did help. also going to ring up about help with filling in forms. think its about time.
so. if you was to ask me how i am right now? i would say,oh ok thanks, ankle bad,but doing ok. i always do. but i am not doing ok. not really. but i am still that carer. so i have to be ok.and who knows,maybe the next time you ask me maybe i really will feel a lot better. you think?? take care all
Friday, 27 June 2008
the above tag was done by connie of ANYWAY.......................... for her friends who had helped her in her recent trouble. i asked if i may snag it, she gave me her permission. so i want you all to do what she wants. pass it on to all your friends. please snag it and use as you will. if you read this you are my friend and deserve it.
many thanks for those who answered my entry on Call for Support a prayer for carrie. a good friend , jane,in my chatroom i use, her daughter carrie recently had lazer eye surgery. which seems to have gone tragically wrong. poor girl is in a lot of pain and distress. neither write journals. yet when i asked you replied. that is friendship. thankyou.
mums visitor came yesterday and stayed 2 hours,they have become good friends, and has given mum someone to talk to. i am grateful to her. I , like many carers don't have much free time. if i am going to be gone out for any length of time i have toorganise the Crossroads caring service, and they send someone to call in and make her a cup of tea etc. or a neibour will help. so, friends are important to me and to other carers. we need you. you keep us sane. to be able to talk.laugh, and to have someone you can moan to,when it gets bad that's friendship.
i have said some of this before. but i realised just lately just how important my "online" friends are. i don't have that many friends outside the web, pam is my best friend,and i do go over to see her every week, but i also have/ had a good friend kev, we been mates over 37 years. i am 5 years older than him, i saved him from being bullied one day, just after my dad died. the aspiring village bully was doing his best to make kevs life a misery when i walked past. now,bear in mind, i was bullied a lot, and i mean a LOT at school.i was quiet, preferred reading to sports, a loner. ( stop saying awwww pam lol) when i left school i joined an electricians for 6 months before deciding i preferred shop work,and was bullied by one electrician there. dear douggy lol he made my life hell. until one day something snapped. he threw a hammer at me and called me ****ing useless tosser. i broke his nose. hardest punch i ever threw in my life. lol after that,and a lot of pain lol he treated me with respect. which is when i realised. bullies are cowards. so, kev being bullied,me going past, and 1 very sorry bully in a hawthorn hedge, because i picked him up and dumped him in it lol. shook kevs hand, and we were mates. and were until last year. he would ring me every week, usually a friday, he got free calls so we would talk for ages. he lives in london, his wife died several years ago. before he moved away we would go everywhere together. happy days kev. i was due to go into hospital last year for a tonsil removed, i didnt know if it was cancerous, i now know that it was my MS causing many of the problems i was getting,but it was a worrying time for me. kevin was supposed to ring the tuesday night after i got home. i sent him txt to say i was out and op had gone ok, and he has never rung me since. why? i have no idea. he told mum i was always on here,pc, and he never knew when to phone. now that is true, but the last time we talked,the week before the op we were chatting for over an hour. i have sent txts, he replied to1 saying would ring the next week, never did. and i just drifted. gave up. no christmas card from him, his sister and mum sent us 1 none from kev. no birthday card. so i gave up. and then yesterday i opened our local paper and in the funeral notices,giving thanks was a notice. his mother,Betty was dead and buried. said after short illness at home, donations given to macmillan nurses so assume she died from cancer, and neither he, nor his sister sue,even let me know betty was dead. i used to stay every weekend,they kept a pub and i would go over on my motorbike another story maybe? and stay. betty was like a second mother to me. i would have liked to have paid my last respects at her funeral.
so, apart from pam,i really don't have many people (any really) i call close friends.apart from you all. my jland friends,and my chatroom friends. and i thank you. for being there when it gets bad and say come on mort another day tomorrow. thankyou. you all deserve that award. every one of you. take care all
Sunday, 22 June 2008
having just spent 15 minutes trying to add a pic, i have given up. so i will sort that out another time. i havent posted lately, not felt very well. my ankle appears to be trying to grow to be a football. lol took mum out on wednesday and had hairs done, i am more of a polish these days lol. apart from that, not a lot of interest has happened. today,we have had the worse winds i can ever remember having in june, played havoc with my hanging baskets, a lot of the petunias and fuschias have snapped off. all part of the joys of gardening.
i grow a lot of soft fruit, raspberries,redcurrants,blackcurrants,gooseberries, plums,pears, and an old apple tree that last year produced more apples than was good for it, still got several bags of frozen apple slices in freezer. i usually fill one freezer with fruit, i also have a few strawberry plants in a trough,used to have a huge strawberry patch but i dug them up, had got old. so soon be busy picking them hey?? wrongggggg firstly, gooseberries. although i did spray against it,they have all got mildew bad. so bad there won't be any worth picking, also bloody gooseberry sawfly have eaten most of the leaves. rather think i shall be cutting the bushes back hard very soon. need a good prune. redcurrants. one large bush and was full of fruit. WAS. we have a lot of woodpigeons around here and this year for the first time ever they have stripped the redcurrants green not even fit yet the lot gone. and i put a net over the bush. that is bad enough but all 3 blackcurrant bushes have suffered the same fate, stripped bare. why the pigeons are attacking them this year i have no idea. plum tree is bare, very few fruit set and those that did have also been eaten, i got 7 pears on 2 trees, lol and the apple tree didnt hardly set any apples at all. the only fruit i have got coming are raspberries, and i have netted them over. thrush still gets under for a few lol. but i dont mind that. so my freezer empty luckily a friend has bought us a load of strawberries and i have frozen them for jam. yes i do make my own lol and have found that i prefer using frozen fruit, i just pop a bag in the pan and leave to thaw out naturally. the fruit is starting to already break down, and no water is needed result is 3 nice jars of homemade strawberry jam on thursday. with a lot more to come.
so,just in case anyone thought i never get problems in my garden, and that everything is always so perfect, this puts things in perspective lol. yes,my flowers are doing well, shame about the rest of it.
just add that i asked mums visitor not to come this past thursday, she was very tired after having hair done, and i had an upset stomach. which i didn't want her to catch. mum really has had awful pain again with toe and arthritis in knees maybe if we get some decent weather she will feel better. as we all will. take care all
Sunday, 15 June 2008
i hope those of you lucky enough to still have your fathers have remembered them today,Fathers day. my dad died when i was 18 he was just 53, died from a heart attack. in those days we (like the majority of working class families in those days did'nt have a telephone, so when at around 3.30 in the morning i was woken by mum shouting that dad was in terrible pain, pains in chest and down arms, i had to peddle nearly a mile down the road to the public telephone box. i rang our family doctor, Dr.Meanly he was 70 then i'd guess, rather blunt to say the least, but a good dr. i said,dads in terrible pain,chest,arms.etc. he said,well tell him to take 2 aspirin and i will look in in morning. okkkk don't argue with dr he knows best. so i got on bike and pedalled back home, just as i was telling mum what he had said,a car pulled up and the dr knocked on door. after he put phone down he thought pains in chest?? arms?? oh hell and jumped into car. bearing in mind he lived at foulsham the next village,2 and half miles away he mustve drove like a madman lol. he examined dad and said he has had a heart attack, not a very serious one,but a heart attack nevertheless, he gave dad an injection which sent him to sleep and said would call in in morning. off back to his bed he went. me and mum sat talking and drinking tea, until my bloody alarm clock suddenly went off, it was 6.30 on the saturday before august bank holiday 1971 i was working at an ironmongers,( previous entry somewhere,) and had set my alarm. i ran to my bedroom and stopped it, but dad woke. we looked in, he said the pain had eased and dozed back off. mum and i went back to the lounge, and we had hardly sat down when we heard an awful noise. dad had had a massive heart attack, and died at 6.42 the noise was the "death rattle" and i would rather never hear it again. although i knew he had gone,i ran up to our friends house 100 yards has never seemed so far dr. mathers a lovely old gentleman of the old school, very polite,well spoken. a retired anaesthatist i knocked on his door,he came still in pyjamas, listened to my frantic dads dea..........and was off like lightening. he was getting on for 70 but he beat me back easily. he tried giving CPR and kiss of life, to no avail. my dad was dead. later i ramg the doctor and told him dad is dead and got a rather abrupt,how the hell do you know? are you a doctor? im on my way. i explained dr mather had said he was gone, which rather shut him up lol my dad.Geoffrey Cecil Lake aged 53 rest in peace dad.
i cant pretend i was that close to my father i was always a "mummys boy"lol but he worked bloody hard and although we were'nt well off he did his best to provide for mum and me. a good man, not very demonstrative but i know he loved me. sad thing though and one i bitterly regret the night before he died we had had a blazing row. i wanted to buy a motor bike and he did'nt want me too. daft row. but he died without me saying sorry dad. so, if any of you have fallen out with your fathers don't leave it too late, say sorry dad or one day you may regret it to.
take care all
Saturday, 14 June 2008
its been a quiet week really,mum has got a lot of pain in her toe, my ankle and foot is killing me, so i have been resting it. well,for me its resting.lol did cut grass and did bit in garden. mums visitor came thursday and i went to wells, rather cool though so did'nt stay long.
i want to say thankyou to mary Just Mary who is the guest editor this week, pam sent me email congratulating me so i went on magic smoke and looked. she has written a touching entry. and i am grateful to her. thankyou. but i want to just say something, i consider it a privilege to care for my mum, it's never a chore, and i am by no means unique in what i do. ok,it don't make it easier that i am not well myself, but there are many thousands of people who care for a parent, child, brother,sister etc. and who never get any kind of recgonition. so i am sharing this with them. anyone who thinks it is easy needs to try it, it's 24/7 365 days of the year, the pay is crap lol but the rewards? well, i am just paying mum back, for all she has done for me in the past. i have already been rewarded. 55 years of being her son.
one last thing there is a new journal by dee, if you are into fish pay her a visit, i think she will be grateful for any comments, Fishkeeping by an Ex expert she has just started this, very short entries,so why do i mention it? well, i know how it felt when i started this, lot of entries had no comments, and you feel is it worth it? no-one will be interested. and i think she has what it takes to become a really interesting journal writer. so go on,pay her a visit. its a decent day here, sunny but a cool wind, so i shall get on and do a bit in garden i think. take care all
Sunday, 8 June 2008
yesterday was lousy,it poured all day, very wet,cool and miserable, so i got on with housework. cleaned kitchen and shower room, took me ages as this bloody ankle is killing me. got up this morning to a very damp,misty dull morning, which got out at 12.30 to glorious sun,and warmth. cooked a yummy roast beef lunch,cleared away,loaded dishwasher ( no im not rich,pam gave it me lol her son got it,and it was being used in her berdoom as a tv table. lol its a tabletop one but its been plumbed into cupboard under sink) and went to bed til 5.
now,remember i was praising spray and grow a few entries back?? get it from QVC shopping channel, another free plug. lol. well these pics show why i praise it so much . enjoy and if anyone not into flowers nice having you this far lol.
tomatoes are doing so well been sprayed with it every week huge trusses and looking good. get fed every 2 waters with tomato fertiliser as well.
busy lizzies in a flower pouch were tiny plug plants. every plant has been sprayed every week with spray n gro EXCEPT for the bottom left plant. again fed weekly with toato feed. as can be seen there is a huge difference in the quality and size of plant. i was careful to choose 10 plugs exactly the same size. poor little thing is being sprayed now lol
front of my house no its not a jungle underneath window lol they are day lillies look bit untidy until they bloom
fuschias doing so well
again sprayed weekly n fed watered every day soon dry out
this is on an old plinth i found when i moved in think it was a bird bath once i turned it upside down,the pot is one of a set of 3 that cost 6.99 a set and is near the pond.
so, think you now know why i praise spray n grow so much. 2 more sprays will do,then i feed twice weekly with tomato fertiliser and hope they keep going until september. i did try and add these pics as an album and crashed twice doing it so hope you enjoyed them. take care all and many thanks for all the kind comments you left.much appreciated
Friday, 6 June 2008
I am deeply touched,pam Almost 40! has done another award. this time its for special friend the people who have touched her life. well im very pleased to get mine, and i am still looking through the others she awarded it to. where i found amandas journal Amanda and the Gang . glad i did very well written and a fellow gardener. still waiting that strawberry amanda lol.
you know pam is right, we all read each others journals, comment, care for each other,but its taken pams award to make me realise just how close jlanders really are to each other when i started my journal last year i had read 1 journal in my life. thats all ninas Overtaken by snails, life in the slow lane it was her who gave me the inspiration and courage to start this heap of ramblings. so ya know who to blame lol. i was always "into" chat rooms, made a lot of wonderful,close friends on there. 1 in particular lol. when i first started reading other journals,i didnt think jland was any where like chatrooms, that you couldnt make friends in this way. how very wrong i was. i still spend a lot of my online time on IM to my friends,but gradually i find i am spending more and more time reading journals as well. and i am glad i do. or else i would never have met you all.
ok, i have made so many new friends on jland, its really hard to pick my best friends. but like pam, here are the ones that i enjoy,and in fact,in some cases talk to either on im or mail. starting with you nina, Overtaken by snails, life in the slow lane, lucy.bless her day-to-day-life-by-Lucille4364,pam,that cup of tea is waiting when you come "over the pond"Times of My Life, One Nurse's Story,zoe, who has become a good friend and an inspiration Domestic Chaos,jaynee think pink hun lol Single Girl,yasmin IS'NT SHE GREAT!!,jan Serendipity,indigo a wonderful writer Raven's Lament,jack ShipsLog,sybil SYbil,jane well deserved for a brave lady A journey of another kind....,june MIDNIGHT,karen a newcomer to jland but i know from chatroom blog of a disaster prone woman!,jenny you rock girl all the time lolBoredom Eats Away At Me,ally a fellow norfolk writer Life with ally,lisa another brave lady Please don't take life for granted.,kelly Pride and Prejudice, mary who sadly lost her beloved dad Just Mary, i must mention guido, we all know him,and miss his Northern Trip, thanks guido, and lastly and the reason i am doing this entry pam Almost 40!. whos last entry for "sentence of the week" made me spit my cup of tea all over this keyboard laughing have a look and see why lol thanks my dear friend.
please note also, i may comment on your journal,but i havent mentioned you here. that doesnt mean i dont enjoy your entries. the fact i comment means i do,just that i cant mention you all, i just counted there is another 20 or more yet that i now read, new ones being added all the time, but i tend to read journals rather haphazardly,if any of my friends are online i am usually talking to them,or maybe there is a quiz in chat,or i am playing poker. jland is a part of my online life. a lovely part but just one part. THANK YOU ALL,THOSE MENTIONED,THOSE NOT,FOR ALL THE ENJOYMENT YOU HAVE GIVEN ME,AND WILL CONTINUE TO GIVE ME IN THE FUTURE. i will TRY and email all those mentioned please add the tag to sidebars, anyone i miss and read this feel free to snag it for your journal. AND INDEED IF I HAVE EVER COMMENTED ON YOUR JOURNAL PLEASE ADD IT TO YOURS, YOU ARE STILL A FRIEND EVEN IF NOT MENTIONED. take care all
well,its a wet day in norfolk,in fact its pouring down with rain. we are soon going shopping at Fakenham,just thought i would post before we go out. mums visitor was here yesterday,they seem to get on so well,i was able to get in garden for a while, cut the front grass etc. now, traceys boss was SUPPOSED to inform us when she was coming back, haven't heard from her. so this morning i was up at.6.35 made mum a cup of tea,and was in the bathroom,when i heard a knock on the door. when i went tracey. typical efficiency lol. anyway,mum wasn't going to rush up,i wanted my tea and ciggy,so tracey had a cup with mum in edroom and went. she has wrote car off, braked and skidded into a van. maybe in future she will drive more slowly in wet weather??? ya think??? no nor me lol. anyway heres a few pics of the garden hope you all enjoy them.
peony,not very big this year. nor lasting very long in the wet.
poppy,perennial if ya really want to know,papaver orientalis
this rose was here when i moved in 15 years ago badly overgrown it smells gorgeous
growing well arent they?? will post soon what they look like now this was taken week or so ago
well,i had better get ready soon will need a boat if it keeps raining like it is at the moment lol take care all
Wednesday, 4 June 2008
well by now all my 5 friends i awarded pams lovely award have received theirs but i have been thinking. and with apologies to pam i must really award 2 more, 1 i know pam has already done indigo Raven's Lament. i am in such awe of this lady i must award it to her as well, and the second goes to my friend jan Serendipity. she always comments, and is a lovely lady. mailing you both. there are so many others SYbil i enjoy her journal immensely Pride and Prejudice kelly is a great journal writer lastly a mention of 2 of pams dear yasmin IS'NT SHE GREAT!! a good friend and 1 that i read, and feel so full of admiration for this ladies courage jane A journey of another kind.... her journal has made me cry but also filled me with joy, may you have many anniversaries jane. these and many more i read now,and enjoy. you all deserve this award every one.
the anti biotics seem to be helping, i dont feel quite so chesty just wish this ankle wasnt so bad. oh well, no news of tracey yet so i hope she is ok. thanks for all the kind wishes and prayers. take care all mort xxx
Tuesday, 3 June 2008
many thanks to pam for this award. she decided we all need cheering up so did this award herself and i am very grateful thanks love Almost 40! please read her entry for details.
now i am going to choose my 5 these are the ones i think deserve it,but pam choose 4 i would also have picked. i think every 1 i read deserves this award really,you are all so lovely. and i am glad i started writing this journal, and glad to know you all
my first award goes to lucy my second mom who always worries about me, she writes a lovely journal. thanks lucy you a great person day-to-day-life-by-Lucille4364 my second goes to zoe she always makes me smile,but is also a lovely caring person, whose dad is very ill thanks hun,glad to know you xxDomestic Chaos my third i choose pam, a nurse at disneyland. a lovely journal,private i know but she let me in and we have become friends thanks pam love xxTimes of My Life, One Nurse's Story my fourth june who always cares about others although often ill herself, her faith is an inspiration MIDNIGHT lastly my fifth goes to jayne or jaynee to her friends, her journal makes me smile but also her moving tribute to her late mum made me cry hope you all like pink lol Single Girl. just one more and thats to pam herself you are a lovely person pam and im proud to call you my friend xx
i shall mail the 5 i have chosen please pick one of the tags and put it in side bar thanks for making my life better all of you
mums carer has had a car accident, due to the bad weather she was late getting to mine firm had rung to say she had broken down,by time she got here mum was up. after she left us she had an accident no details,dot think shes hurt but car is in a mess. won't be seeing her this week,but we told her firm we can manage ok. which we can. i went to drs yesterday and yes i do have yet another chest infection that makes 5 since january, he has put me on strong antibiotics, but is worried the fact i am getting so many means the next time it maybe pneumonia. have to be careful. take care all many thanks for kind comments on my last entry i appreciate them all mort
Sunday, 1 June 2008
mums visitor saw her thursday,i went to wells and left them to chat,still doing that when i got home hour and half later. great to see and i thank C from bottom of my heart,its given my mum someone to talk to. friday we went shopping, bought some more plants. and saturday was spent putting them in 20 verbena, fed all the baskets,watered and did the housework. so today,just cooked what turned out to be a colonel sanders reject chicken for lunch,tasteless and rubbish and then went to bed after i had done dishes. and thats pretty much me up to date.
i have just about had enough you know?? this ankle is crippling me, i have doctors at 3pm to see him about this chest infection, i feel very down,and im scared. because its getting harder for me to care for my mum. pushing her around the supermarkets friday was just about all i could manage, all i could think of was please god,let me get home. i'm tired due to lack of sleep,keep waking up with the spasticity back in my shoulder,causing the arm to jump, not nice, bloody ankle throbbing, and its getting to me.
you will all say,well mort,don't do so much,rest,put your feet up. so, tell me if i do that just who in hell will care for mum?? another bloody useless carer come in to get her food?? wash her perfunctorily and pat her on the head like you would a small child? no,it has to be me. yeah,ok i will take any more help available,but the ammount offered isn't great. you see,i keep a lot back. the bits you all read? those are the easy bits to write about. i may moan that i don't feel well that i am in pain, but i don't tell it all not on this journal. those thoughts are for my other journal. a private one i started on dec.22nd last year,day after i was confirmed with MS, and that tells a different story. one you will never read,its title will remain my secret. why am i telling you all this? Zoe got me thinking,those who read her blog will know what she said the kind things she said about me. well, i am glad i could help you hun, and it made me realise something. we all need someone to talk to about our problems. and maybe i should share a bit more with jland. but you see, i have always tried to keep this a bit light hearted, i don't want to lose the readers i have because i get so dark. but i read zoe's last entry her blog is domestic chaos by way,never know how to add links so forgive me if i dont. and she has been brave enough to show how she is feeling. so if she can so can i. not often mind. this will still be caring and sharing, just sometimes can i please share a bit more with you all?? if anyone doesn't want to read my occasional ( hopefully rare! ) entry of self pity i will understand ok?? only i can't always be optimistic. sometimes sometimes i need to have a damn good cry. anyway i'm going to bed may get a decent nights sleep, had a good rest today, and hopefully will feel better tomorrow. whatever happens, i will let you all know.. and yeah,maybe a bit more than i do know. thanks friends take care oh and many thanks for your prayers for lyn,especially to june,bless you all. she tells me she is feeling a bit better. thanks as always jland